The RELATIONSHIP CLINIC

Improve your brain health and performance

2012-01-21T21:53:00.000-06:00

Build your Personalized Training Program.

Enhance memory and attention
Web-based personalized training program
Track changes in brain performance

To check it out, CLICK HERE.

Mental Illness On The Rise

2011-10-13T21:25:00.000-05:00

Nearly 20 percent of Americans -- 44.5 million adults -- experienced some sort of mental illness over the last year, according to a new report from the U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Agency (SAMHSA).

The report details state by state the percent of the population who has suffered a mental illness.

“Mental illnesses are treatable and people can recover to live full, productive lives. Unfortunately in the past year only 37.9 percent of adults with mental health problems received any type of care,” SAMHSA Administrator Pamela S. Hyde said in a statement. “The chasm between need and care is costly both in terms of personal health because of missed opportunities to prevent disability and health care expenditures related to illness such as cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and obesity.”

The report counts "mental illness" as any sort of mental, behavioral or emotional disorder that is diagnosable from the DSM-IV. The disorder must cause "substantial functional impairment" or must be defined as a serious mental illness that requires treatment.

Marriage Check Up

2011-08-11T23:23:00.001-05:00

“A man and a woman should choose each other for life,” said Dr. George Truett, “for the simple reason that a long life is barely enough time for them to understand each other – and to understand is to love.”

Understanding is the key to true love and intimacy.

Although it is a process, you can deepen and develop your relationship along the way. Sometimes, along the path, it’s good to stop and evaluate how you’re doing as a couple.

Good maintenance prevents major breakdowns.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself concerning your marriage:

How can I best serve my partner?
Am I a good listener?
Do I really hear what my partner is saying, or am I busy thinking about how I am going to respond?
Can we disagree agreeably? If not, what it is that causes us to argue?
Do I know what really pleases my partner? Have I pursuing this?
Do I know what really annoys my partner? Have I been doing this?
What are my dreams and hopes for our marriage?
What are yours?
How do we express our spirituality as a couple? Are we satisfied with the present level of spiritual commitment?
What are we not doing that we ought to be doing?
What would it take to start doing it?
Have I been completely honest with my partner? About the past? About how I am feeling? About my activities?
Are there any roadblocks to emotional intimacy in our marriage? Do we know what they are? Do we know how to get rid of them?
Have I been making selfish demands?
Am I willing to change?
Do we agree on money issues? What can we learn from each other in this area?
Is there something wrong that needs to be confronted?
Is there something good that needs to be celebrated?
Do I need to take more responsibility for creating a healthy and happy home?
Am I willing to forgive?
Am I willing to deal with issues, rather than attacking or sulking in silence?
What three things can I do which would bring great joy to my partner?

[from Revitalize Your Church by Mark O. Wilson]

10 Reasons I Think Your Marriage Is Going to "Make It!"

2011-07-29T22:07:00.000-05:00

Because you are willing to swallow your pride and ask for help, understanding that you are NOT the first married couple that has ever had trials and struggles.
Because you are willing to stop pointing out all of the problems your spouse has and begin to beg God to reveal your shortcomings to you so that you can focus on the changes you need to make. (I will focus on my responsibilities and not my “rights!”)
Because you will stop investing tons of time in Facebook and reruns of movies you have already seen and actually begin talking to your spouse again, you know ... like you did when you were dating.
Because you will listen to what the LORD says about marriage instead of listening to singles who are bitter and/or people who can’t seem to stay out of someone else’s bed!
Because Galatians 6:9 packs a promise that is worth holding on to!
Because you understand that two people who are willing to love Jesus first and then one another can overcome any problem or trial that comes their way!
Because you are going to commit to spending quality time together and actually date one another at least once a week ... WITHOUT the kids or the cell phone.
Because you are going to continually practice forgiveness towards your spouse in regards to the way they have hurt you in the past. (If someone is unwilling to forgive a spouse for a sin or sins that have been confessed and repented of they can ultimately destroy a marriage.)
Because you are going to make attending and being involved in a local church a priority!
Because your kids need to see a godly example of what marriage looks like so that they have something to look forward to.

[By Perry Noble | Christian Post Guest Columnist]

Some Good Ways to Handle STRESS

2011-07-13T15:43:00.000-05:00

Stress is inevitable. It walks in and out of our lives on a regular basis. And it can easily walk all over us unless we take action. Fortunately, there are many things you can do to minimize and cope with stress. Here are 10 ideas for handling stress without causing more strain and hassle.

1. Figure out where the stress is coming from.

Oftentimes, when we’re stressed, it seems like a big mess with stressors appearing from every angle. We start to feel like we’re playing a game of dodge ball, ducking and darting so we don’t get smacked by a barrage of balls. We take a defensive position, and not a good one at that.

Instead of feeling like you’re flailing day to day, identify what you’re actually stressed about. Is it a specific project at work, an upcoming exam, a dispute with your boss, a heap of laundry, a fight with your family?

By getting specific and pinpointing the stressors in your life, you’re one step closer to getting organized and taking action.

2. Consider what you can control—and work on that.

While you can’t control what your boss does, what your in-laws say or the sour state of the economy, you can control how you react, how you accomplish work, how you spend your time and what you spend your money on.

The worst thing for stress is trying to take control over uncontrollable things. Because when you inevitably fail — since it’s beyond your control — you only get more stressed out and feel helpless. So after you’ve thought through what’s stressing you out, identify the stressors that you can control, and determine the best ways to take action.

Take the example of a work project. If the scope is stressing you out, talk it over with your supervisor or break the project down into step-wise tasks and deadlines.

Stress can be paralyzing. Doing what’s within your power moves you forward and is empowering and invigorating.

3. Do what you love.

It’s so much easier to manage pockets of stress when the rest of your life is filled with activities you love. Even if your job is stress central, you can find one hobby or two that enrich your world. What are you passionate about? If you’re not sure, experiment with a variety of activities to find something that’s especially meaningful and fulfilling.

4. Manage your time well.

One of the biggest stressors for many people is lack of time. Their to-do list expands, while time flies. How often have you wished for more hours in the day or heard others lament their lack of time? But you’ve got more time than you think, as Laura Vanderkam writes in her aptly titled book, 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think.

We all have the same 168 hours, and yet there are plenty of people who are dedicated parents and full-time employees and who get at least seven hours of sleep a night and lead fulfilling lives.

Here are Vanderkam’s seven steps to help you check off your to-do list and find time for the things you truly enjoy.

5. Create a toolbox of techniques.

One stress-shrinking strategy won’t work for all your problems. For instance, while deep breathing is helpful when you’re stuck in traffic or hanging at home, it might not rescue you during a business meeting.

Because stress is complex, “What we need is a toolbox that’s full of techniques that we can fit and choose for the stressor in the present moment,” said Richard Blonna, Ed.D, a nationally certified coach and counselor and author of Stress Less, Live More: How Acceptance & Commitment Therapy Can Help You Live a Busy Yet Balanced Life. Make an appointment with your counselor today!

6. Pick off the negotiables from your plate.

Review your daily and weekly activities to see what you can pick off your plate. As Vanderkam asks in her book: “Do your kids really love their extracurricular activities, or are they doing them to please you? Are you volunteering for too many causes, and so stealing time from the ones where you could make the most impact? Does your whole department really need to meet once per week or have that daily conference call?”

Blonna suggested asking these questions: “Do [my activities] mesh with my goals and values? Am I doing things that give my life meaning? Am I doing the right amount of things?”

Reducing your stack of negotiable tasks can greatly reduce your stress.

7. Are you leaving yourself extra vulnerable to stress?

Whether you perceive something as a stressor depends in part on your current state of mind and body. That is, as Blonna said, ““Each transaction we’re involved in takes place in a very specific context that’s affected by our health, sleep, psychoactive substances, whether we’ve had breakfast [that day] and [whether we’re] physically fit.”

So if you’re not getting sufficient sleep or physical activity during the week, you may be leaving yourself extra susceptible to stress. When you’re sleep-deprived, sedentary and filled to the brim with coffee, even the smallest stressors can have a huge impact.

8. Preserve good boundaries.

If you’re a people-pleaser like me, saying no feels like you’re abandoning someone, have become a terrible person or are throwing all civility out the window. But of course that couldn’t be further from the truth. Plus, those few seconds of discomfort are well worth avoiding the stress of taking on an extra activity or doing something that doesn’t contribute value to your life.

One thing I’ve noticed about productive, happy people is that they’re very protective of their time and having their boundaries crossed. But not to worry: Building boundaries is a skill you can learn. Here are some tips to help. And if you tend toward people-pleasing, these tips can help, too.

9. Realize there’s a difference between worrying and caring.

Sometimes, our mindset can boost stress, so a small issue mushrooms into a pile of problems. We continue worrying, somehow thinking that this is a productive — or at least inevitable — response to stress. But we mistake worry for action.

Clinical psychologist Chad LeJeune, Ph.D, talks about the idea of worrying versus caring in his book, The Worry Trap: How to Free Yourself from Worry & Anxiety Using Acceptance & Commitment Therapy. “Worrying is an attempt to exert control over the future by thinking about it,” whereas caring is taking action. “When we are caring for someone or something, we do the things that support or advance the best interests of the person or thing that we care about.”

LeJeune uses the simple example of houseplants. He writes: “If you are away from home for a week, you can worry about your houseplants every single day and still return home to find them brown and wilted. Worrying is not watering.”

Similarly, fretting about your finances does nothing but get you worked up (and likely prevent you from taking action). Caring about your finances, however, means creating a budget, paying bills on time, using coupons and reducing how often you dine out.

Just this small shift in mindset from worrying to caring can help you adjust your reaction to stress. To see this distinction between worrying and caring, LeJeune includes an activity where readers list responses for each one. For example:

Worrying about your health involves…

Caring about your health involves…

Worrying about your career involves…

Caring about your career involves…

10. Embrace mistakes—or at least don’t drown in perfectionism.

Another mindset that can exacerbate stress is perfectionism. Trying to be mistake-free and essentially spending your days walking on eggshells is exhausting and anxiety-provoking. Talk about putting pressure on yourself! And as we all know but tend to forget: Perfectionism is impossible and not human, anyway.

As researcher Brene Brown writes in her book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, “Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth” and it’s not self-improvement.

Nothing good can come from perfectionism. Brown writes: “Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction and life-paralysis [‘all the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out in the world that could be imperfect’].”

Plus, mistake-mistaking can lead to growth. To overcome perfectionism, Brown suggests becoming more compassionate toward yourself. I couldn’t agree more.

[By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.]

Fish Oil May Help Bipolar Disorder and Alcoholism

2011-06-08T11:02:00.002-05:00

Research at the Indiana University School of Medicine disclosed a potential therapeutic benefit, at a molecular level, between fish oil, alcohol abuse and psychiatric disorders.

At the Relationship Clinic we've seen many people with mood disorders show improvement after taking therapeutic doses of high quality Omega 3 fish oil.

Now, in a multi-year study, researchers showed conclusive behavioral and molecular benefits for omega 3 fatty acid given to mice models of bipolar disorder. The fatty acid DHA, which is one of the main active ingredients in fish oil, "normalized their behavior."

In addition, the "bipolar mice" - like many bipolar patients - love alcohol. However on DHA found in fish oil, they drank less and "curtailed their alcohol abusive behavior."

Divorce Always Hurts the Children

2011-05-31T23:02:00.000-05:00

You may have heard the old joke about a couple in their 90s filing for divorce. When the judge asks them, "Why did you wait so long?" they respond, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead."

In fact the only time divorce is not going to hurt your children is when they are dead. There's a myth that adult children can handle their parents' divorce and aren't hurt by it. In fact, adult children may very well be devastated by their parents divorce. They not only have to deal with the pain of their divorce, but the assumption that it shouldn't bother them. Grownups are supposed to be just that--grown up--not dependent on their families. But, especially today, young people depend on their families throughout their young adulthood, for money, advice, a place they can call home, basically a net they can fall into when life knocks them off the tightrope.

Robert Frost once said, "Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in." He expressed perfectly how much we depend on having a home when we go off into the world on our own. Just knowing it's there is profoundly reassuring, even if we don't come back home. Divorce means that home where they have to take you in is gone. After a divorce, everything you have taken for granted about your life isn't true anymore. You have to adjust your notion of your childhood to fit the new reality.

Adult children suffer a series of intense losses as a result of parental divorce. They lose their family as it has been and will never be again. While growing up children have a picture of their futures which their mother and father are part of. They will come to their weddings, be there for graduations, holidays, family visits. Divorce shatters all those expectations; any holiday or celebration becomes fraught with anxiety over which parent will come, will they bring the new mate, how will divorced parents get along, should they be separated, seated together, who should give the toast at the dinner etc?

The bedrock sense of self that children depend on to know who they are can be shaken by their parents divorce. Adult children will re-evaluate their childhoods in the light of the divorce, and come up with different versions of who they were and who they are now. They often start questioning the point of marriage and become more leery of dating and making a commitment.

The losses go on and on, separating what was once one extended family. Families split apart, take sides; children may stop seeing in laws if they take sides, or even if they don't. The logistics alone can be daunting, especially if everyone lives in different parts of the country. Mother and father are no longer one unit, no longer mom-and-dad. They have to deal with two of everything, two phone calls to keep in touch, two homes, two stepfamilies, dividing their time, trying not to make anyone jealous. Instead of being a source of comfort, parents become a source of anxiety.

Roles are reversed when there are adult children. Parents stop acting like parents and expect their kids to take care of them. Divorced parents may start telling their troubles to their children, or rely on them too much.

Adult children often get caught in the middle of a nasty divorce, with each side vying for their approval. This can be intensely painful for people who are used to relying on their parents as the bedrock of their lives. "Divorce means watching the two people we love most turn against each other and sometimes try to destroy each other--and because we are adults we are privy to every excruciating detail....They push us to take sides, manipulating us with angry phone calls and emotional e-mails. Instead of sitting down and explaining what's happening, they suck us into the middle," says Brooke Foster, author of The Way They Were; Dealing With Your Parents Divorce After a Lifetime of Marriage.

Adult children may even feel like they've lost their pasts. If they thought they had a happy childhood, they have to think again--to start examining whether or not it was really happy or they were deluded. The family history comes into question. They may even feel their parents stuck it out for them, which really can be hard to take--that makes them the cause of their parents unhappiness all those years. Foster says, "Adult children say they lost their sense of belonging. Divorce shattered their family and their concept of home. Something inside them died."

The fallout from divorce keeps reverberating over the years, with every new family event, every graduation, wedding, birth, funeral. Even caretaking a parent in their later years falls on the children, not the spouse. The notion that divorce is easy once the kids are grown is a myth. Divorce is never easy and the kids are never grown.

[By Erica Manfred]

Surprising Signs of Bipolar Disorder

2011-05-16T13:40:00.000-05:00

Fewer than half of Americans with bipolar disorder are properly diagnosed and treated, recent research shows. Could you spot bipolar symptoms – in yourself or in someone close to you?

Bipolar disorder has been all over the headlines recently, from Charlie Sheen’s highly publicized rants leading many to suspect that the star is exhibiting “mania” (a telltale sign of bipolar disorder's emotional highs) to Catherine Zeta Jones seeking treatment for bipolar II, a milder form of the disorder. But the mental health condition goes far beyond Hollywood — and according to recent research, many people with the condition don’t even know they have it.

Fewer than half of people in the United States who show classic signs of bipolar disorder actually get diagnosed and treated, says a recent Archives of General Psychiatry report on a survey of more than 61,000 adults in 11 countries — the United States, Mexico, China, Japan, Brazil, Colombia, India, Lebanon, Bulgaria, Romania, and New Zealand. Bipolar patients in lower-income nations get even less treatment — in some cases, as few as 25 percent receive help.

Compared to the other 10 countries studied, the United States had the highest rate of bipolar disorder (4.4 percent of those surveyed fell somewhere on the bipolar spectrum). India had the lowest (0.1 percent). Overall, about 2.4 percent of those interviewed in the face-to-face survey could be classified as having bipolar disorder.

It may be buzz-worthy these days, but many people don’t fully understand bipolar disorder and the symptoms that can lead to proper diagnosis and treatment. Bipolar, also sometimes called manic-depressive disorder, is characterized by shifts from extreme highs (known as mania) to emotional lows (depression), with “normal” moods in between.

It’s bipolar disorder’s manic phase that most sets it apart from other common mental health issues, such as depression and anxiety. While many people associate mania with high energy and exaggeratedly good moods, these other key symptoms are more subtle:

Reckless spending: If a friend is blowing her paycheck on shopping sprees she can’t afford, watch out. A person in a manic phase of bipolar disorder is more likely to take big risks, including spending splurges that can lead to mountains of unmanageable debt.

Super-charged sex drive: A sudden revving up of a person's sex drive, obsessively thinking or talking about sex, or engaging in sexual encounters he otherwise wouldn’t (like a one-night stand or sex with someone he doesn't know well) are all symptoms of hypersexuality, another less-obvious mania clue.

Alcohol or drug abuse. These often go hand-in-hand with manic episodes: As many as 60 percent of people with bipolar disorder have abused alcohol or drugs at some point in their lives. Depressants such as alcohol or pain pills can send a person with mania straight into depression, while stimulants like cocaine can have the opposite effect.

Skimping on shut-eye: Little need for sleep is another red flag that a person may be having a manic episode.

[By Katie Kerns]

FREE Counseling

2011-05-03T12:00:00.000-05:00

The Relationship Clinic is offering free counseling to tornado victims. Call for an appointment.

Donations for Tornado Victims

2011-05-01T20:28:00.000-05:00

Starting Monday, May 2, 2011, we will provide free counseling for Alabama tornado victims.

If you would like to contribute to this effort, CLICK HERE and donate.

Thank you so very much.

The Relationship Clinic will reopen Monday, May 2, 2011

2011-05-01T20:27:00.000-05:00

The Clinic will reopen Monday. May 2, 2011. We will provide counseling free of charge for tornado victims on a first come first serve basis. Call 888-605-0215 for an appointment.

Donations for Tornado Victims

2011-04-30T23:19:00.000-05:00

Starting Monday, May 2, 2011, we will provide free counseling for Alabama tornado victims.

If you would like to contribute to this effort, CLICK HERE and donate.

Thank you so very much.

The Relationship Clinic will reopen Monday, May 2, 2011

2011-04-30T16:23:00.000-05:00

The Clinic will reopen Monday. May 2, 2011. We will provide counseling free of charge for tornado victims on a first come first serve basis. Call 888-605-0215 for an appointment.

Closed

2011-04-28T11:38:00.002-05:00

The Relationship Clinic is closed until power is restored.

April - National Stress Awareness Month

2011-04-06T12:31:00.000-05:00

It is so easy to get stressed these days.

Watching the news makes you stressed. Checking the weather makes you stressed. Then there are the thousand shocks you must bear in just going about your daily life: You are driving and someone cuts you off. Your boss barks at you. All the salespeople are surly. You can't reach a human on the phone. Just before the deadline, your computer crashes.

But it doesn't stop there.

As soon as you get stressed, you see the world through stressful eyes. Then it's you who speaks in an abrupt, dismissive way. It's you who cuts off another driver, you who pushes past someone in the store. It's you snapping at your children. It's you jumping to conclusions. It's you making mistakes that cause problems down the line.

In other words, stress gets passed on. It has a domino effect. Your stress becomes someone else's stress, and this becomes someone else's stress.

But what if we could stop the stresscalation?

"Stresscalation," as far as I can tell, is a term first coined by Ruth Dailey Grainger in 1992, in an article for the American Journal of Nursing. In that article, she uses the term primarily to describe how we exacerbate our own stress. For example, she cites obsessive thinking, living in the future, procrastinating and perfectionism as some of the ways we make our own stress worse.

But I am using the term "stresscalation" to mean the way in which we pass our own stress on to others, creating ever-expanding ripples of stress. I therefore see stresscalation not just as a personal health issue but as an ethical issue. To put it bluntly, when we pass our stress on to others, we violate the Golden Rule. We dump onto others what was just dumped onto us.

We might do this in flagrant ways -- shouting, blaming or roadraging -- or we might do it in more subtle ways -- sending a nasty look, using a brittle tone of voice, not giving someone the benefit of the doubt, treating others as if they were "in our way," or just being impatient with people because they happen to be younger or older or slower or more feeble or more ignorant or less important or more arrogant or more inconsiderate than we are.

But if we reframe stresscalation as an act of violence, a small but significant factor in making the world a more fearful, angry or jumpy place, then perhaps we could also consider stopping the stresscalation to be an ethical imperative.

Stresscalation is a political issue, too. Call me naïve, but I believe that most people genuinely want the world to be a more peaceful place. I also believe that most people think their actions are part of the solution (or at least not part of the problem). But I wonder how many times, each day, in the environments right near us, we actually make the world less peaceful simply by passing on our stress to others.

If we can't stop the domino effect of stress right here in our homes, workplaces and communities, how can we expect others to stop their conflicts in faraway places, in situations where the history of stresscalation is much deeper? If our political conversations are conducted from a baseline of stress, what kind of results can we expect? If our workplaces are emotionally toxic, what kinds of decisions do we make?

When you are stressed, it is simply impossible to think with a clear mind or to hear with an open heart. Consider this everyday example: When you are stressed, are you really able to listen to what someone else is trying to say? And if you are not really listening, what is the effect of that failure to listen on the person who is trying to talk to you? As she struggles to get her point across, or leaves the conversation feeling confused, frustrated, unsatisfied or unheard, what have you really accomplished?

But what if we made an ethical decision to not pass our stress on to others? What if we approached each business meeting, each political discussion or each private, difficult conversation first by trying to reduce our stress? Think of the reverberations if we could each reduce our own stress footprint -- if we could diminish our own contribution to the stresscalation -- in a small way, right where we are. Imagine if we were in the habit of taking a moment, regularly, to greet each new moment with fresh eyes, uncolored by the stress that came before.

As April is National Stress Awareness Month, I will be writing several articles here about stresscalation and how to stop it. I'd like to hear from you. How do you avoid picking up other people's stress? How could we do better at not passing it on? And what positive actions could we take today to make someone else's day less stressful?

Of course, stopping the stresscalation is not always easy. It's particularly challenging when someone has clearly just dumped his stress on you, and you are feeling aggrieved or resentful. But it really doesn't matter where the stress comes from, or whose fault it is. Once you are stressed, in that moment, it becomes your responsibility. You are holding the hot potato. And what you do with it is up to you.

[by Martin Boroson, author of "One-Moment Meditation: Stillness for People on the Go," and offers training in this technique in corporations, hospitals and online. His e-training course, OMM365, and a free animated training video are available at www.onemomentmeditation.com.]

Study Shows Brain Activity in Food Addicts Similar to Other Addicts

2011-04-05T22:13:00.000-05:00

For Michael Prager, food used to be much more than a way to get his daily doses of nutrients or to satisfy a craving for a tasty treat.

"From an early age, I ate for reasons that other people didn't, and I ate in amounts that other people didn't," Prager said. "I stole money from my mother's purse and I stole candy from stores before I was 10 years old."

As an adult, he often stocked up on junk food after work and ate almost all of it. Food controlled him so much, in fact, he felt the need to stop for food after getting off at midnight so he wouldn't have to go back out in the middle of the night.

Now 53, it took years of binge eating and yo-yo dieting to realize he had an addiction to food.

"I used food as a coping mechanism. It's similar to the way people use drugs, or alcohol, or shopping or sex."

That's an idea supported by a new study that found food may indeed be just like a drug.

Researchers led by Yale University doctoral student Ashley Gearhardt discovered that women who exhibit more signs of food addiction, when shown a picture of a milkshake and then given a taste of it, had more activity in areas of the brain associated with "craving" than women who showed fewer signs of food addiction. The women who showed more signs of food addiction had less activity in the part of the brain that decreases the desire to eat.

In order to measure food addiction, the researchers used a scale similar to the one used to measure drug addiction.

"We got interested in this research because there have been a lot of interesting findings in looking at parallels between obesity and substance dependence. Studies have shown brain pattern similarities," said Gearhardt.

"Anticipation of a delectable treat provided the greatest activation, even more so than getting a taste of it," said Bonnie Levin, director of the Division of Neuropsychology at the University of Miami School of Medicine. Levin was not involved in the study.

Stigma Surrounds Food Addicts

Food addicts exhibit many of the symptoms as those addicted to drugs and alcohol, including an obsession or preoccupation with food, binge eating and a lack of control over eating. Food addicts are often criticized about their inability to say no to overeating.

Not all food addicts are obese, and not everyone who overeats is a food addict.

"We saw the same brain activation patterns in lean participants as well as the obese ones," said Gearhardt. "BMI [body mass index] is not a good indicator about whether you're out of control with eating."

Experts say there's a lot of stigma surrounding food addiction, including the assertion that it's just an excuse for overeating and avoiding personal responsibility. In reality, food addicts are driven to eat.

"Part of the brain responds to anticipation of a reward," said Levin. "Some people can resist it and others cannot."

"I wanted no part of the realization that I had an addiction," said Prager. "Everyone thinks obesity is a matter of sloth and that obese people need to try harder."

Although it may seem that an addiction to heroin, cocaine or alcohol is more dangerous, experts say an addition to food is just as serious. Obesity is associated with a number of serious health problems as well as soaring health care costs.

"We already see such a large amount of people struggling with obesity, but kids are also eating a lot of unhealthy foods. The earlier people are exposed, the more likely they are to develop an addiction," said Gearhardt.

The study's authors also hope future studies can determine how the brain responds to food ads and whether certain foods are addictive. With that knowledge, they believe, advertising can be used to send healthier messages about food.

Addicted to Food," premieres on the Oprah Winfrey Network. The eight-episode series follows food addicts and others with eating disorders at a treatment facility with the goal of addressing issues that led to their problems with eating and finding their way to recovery.

Prager knows all about that long road to recovery. After years of therapy, he realizes now that food no longer controls him. He even wrote a book about it.

But as with most addicts, it's a battle he fights every day.

"There's no such thing as solving something forever. You have to take it one day at a time." To read Michael Prager's blog click here.

The following questions are part of the survey done by researchers at Yale University to help determine if you could have a food addiction.

Answer options for this section: 0 - Never 1 - Once per month 2 – 2-4 times per month 3 - 2-3 times per week 4 - 4+ times per week

1) I find myself consuming certain foods even though I am no longer hungry. THRESHOLD: 4

2) I worry about cutting down on certain foods. THRESHOLD: 4

3) I feel sluggish or fatigued from overeating. THRESHOLD: 3 or 4

4) I have spent time dealing with negative feelings from overeating certain foods, instead of spending time in important activities such as time with family, friends, work, or recreation. THRESHOLD: 4

5) I have had physical withdrawal symptoms such as agitation and anxiety when I cut down on certain foods. (Do NOT include caffeinated drinks: coffee, tea, cola, energy drinks, etc.) THRESHOLD: 3 OR 4

6) My behavior with respect to food and eating causes me significant distress. THRESHOLD: 3 OR 4

7) Issues related to food and eating decrease my ability to function effectively (daily routine, job/school, social or family activities, health difficulties). THRESHOLD: 3 OR 4

Answer options for this section: No Yes

IN THE PAST 12 MONTHS…

8) I kept consuming the same types or amounts of food despite significant emotional and/or physical problems related to my eating. YES or NO

9) Eating the same amount of food does not reduce negative emotions or increase pleasurable feelings the way it used to. YES or NO

TO MEET THE FOOD ADDICTION THRESHOLD PEOPLE NEED TO MEET THE THRESHOLD FOR EITHER QUESTION 6 OR 7 AND MEET THE THRESHOLD FOR 3 OR MORE OF THESE QUESTIONS (1-5, 8-9). IF YOU MEET THE FOOD ADDICTION THRESHOLD, THE RESEARCHERS AT YALE SAY YOU SHOULD SPEAK WITH A DOCTOR.

[BY KIM CAROLLO, SARAH AMOS AND BOJANA ZUPAN - ABC News]

The Demanding Effects of Stress

2011-03-23T12:19:00.003-05:00

Our bodies respond to stimuli, whether they are bad or good. Everyone experiences stress at some time in life. Positive stress is effective in helping us to perform at high levels of expectations. Some children do well in examinations, because the anxiety and emotional overtones challenge them to pay attention to details. Public speakers are aware of the critics who seem to challenge every word and interpretation of information shared. Television personalities are under the watchful eyes of those who think that they are the experts in dress, voice tones, gestures and articulations.

Amidst this awareness, they still perform at their superlative levels. They seem to understand that the mirror of the community cannot shape them, for they have their individual personalities, judgments and choices. Negative stress has some damaging effects on the body, therefore, attention must be given to the stressors in our lives. The following are some of the effects that stress can have on our bodies — muscle tension, blood clots, skin irritation, insomnia, high levels of anxiety, high blood pressure, headaches, fatigue, body pain, indigestion, stomach ulcers, depression, asthma attacks, loss of energy, failure to work productively, problems in relationships because of bad attitudes, low tolerance and uncontrolled anger.

After a death or loss, most persons experience emotions of guilt, rage, fear, helplessness, loneliness, panic, dismay, anguish, despair, resentment, disappointment, yearning, anxiety, apathy, regret, feelings of abandonment, sorrow, vindictiveness, pain, inadequacy, denial and distrust. These are the tasks that a person in grief must work out in order to aid in the recovery process. It will be challenging, but you must use your own skills and temperament to recover in order to move on with your life. You must accept the reality of your loss through death or other disappointments. Talk about it until you reach a level of acceptance. As you experience the stress that comes from pain and grief, seek professional help that will help you to develop coping skills that will hinder you from damaging your health.

You will not be able to push all the pain and grief away if you internalize them and pretend that you are doing well. To pretend that you are strong enough to deal with the hurt will often cause your emotions to fester which in turn will affect your entire life. Learn to adjust to the environment in which your loved one is missing. Remember the pleasant things that you enjoyed doing together. Go to the places where you spent time together.

As you encounter each aspect of your life without the person, you have to learn new skills for living without the deceased. You cannot withdraw from the world and all your former relationships. If you have lost property, status or transfers, you have to take responsibility for your life and find alternatives, knowing that you have to function and survive.

Here are some symptoms that you are in grief irrespective of the cause:

Crying continuously.
Contemplating suicide.
Suffering from extreme loneliness.
Neglecting personal hygiene.
Engaging in self-criticism.
Thinking that there is no recovery from the loss.
Sighing a lot.
Can’t sleep at nights.
Feeling constantly tired.
Susceptible to illness, flues and colds.
Tempted to take too many drugs.
Staying extremely busy in order to have little time to think.
Eating disorder.
Can’t think clearly.

An optimistic approach to life can help you to overcome the unattractive experiences. Learn to cope with the unexpected and smile through the seemingly unbearable.

[by Dr. Pansy Hamilton Brown]

Compromise

2011-03-15T16:27:00.003-05:00

A marriage is maintained and strengthened by compromise, as is the relationship between parent and child. (Ecclesiastes 4:12 NIV)

Things to Forget - Things to Remember

2011-03-07T22:05:00.004-06:00

Things to Forget:

The bad stuff someone said about you.

The time you were overlooked or excluded.

The wonderful things you did for someone (which should have been noticed.)

How great (perfect) you are.

That you were right (I told you so!).

How bad "they" treated you.

Why you deserve to be first (or other special treatment).

Your grudges.

Your pet peeves.

The time someone disappointed you.

Your self-centered notions.

Things to Remember:

To say "Thank You".

To express your love and affection.

The gestures of kindness others have shown to you.

That any success you achieve is due, at least in part, to others.

That God answers prayer.

That you are not God, so you don't have to control everything.

To do your homework.

To lend a helping hand.

That persistence pays off.

What brings true happiness (things money can't buy).

To seize the day and make the most of the moments.

[from Revitalize Your Church by Mark O. Wilson]

How to Stay in Love

2011-03-07T10:49:00.002-06:00

Our society is obsessed with falling in love.

Just watch any romantic comedy or listen to most love songs, the focus on love these days leans heavily toward falling in love. This isn’t surprising though is it? I mean what’s the prerequisite for falling in love?

A pulse. That’s about it.

Truth be known while we’re all naturally equipped to fall in love, most of us are ill equipped to stay in love.

I once heard Andy Stanley say, “The foundation for staying in love is to make love a verb.”

Jesus himself said, John 13: 34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”

This is cool. Do you see what he did? He takes a word we use as a noun and he makes it a verb. He’s essentially saying love isn’t something you find but something you do.

See we think we want to feel our way into an action. If I feel in love then I’ll be loving.

Jesus taught that actually it’s the opposite. You don’t feel your way into an action. You act your way into a feeling. Act loving, be loving, then you’ll feel love.

And that my friends is how I think you not only fall in love, but stay in love.

[from Without Wax by Pete Wilson]

Is your marriage struggling?

2011-03-06T21:56:00.000-06:00

Rejoicing in Reconciliation from World Impact TV on Vimeo.

Open Letter Concerning Pre-Marriage Counseling

2011-02-17T22:46:00.003-06:00

"My wife and I didn't need premarital counseling.

"You see, we were special. We rarely fought. In fact, we loved everything about each other—right down to the silly little quirks others might find annoying. Plus, we were madly in love! Maybe counseling was necessary for those other couples—the ones that didn't love each other as much as we did. But we were fine. The intensity of our affection was more than enough to carry us through the challenges of married life.

"Unfortunately, my future in-laws failed to grasp our exceptional status; they insisted on two months of counseling before we walked down the aisle.

"I'm glad that they did. It turned out we weren't so unique after all. In counseling we unearthed differing expectations and caught a helpful glimpse at some of the challenges of living together. We discovered invaluable relationship skills that came in handy, especially once the euphoria of new love began to fade. Turns out everyone needs premarital counseling."

Premarital Counseling is designed to help you reflect on counseling goals, learn creative exercises, and consider the "touchy" situations of marriage with resources. Call the Relationship Clinic before taking another step.

In an Affair? ... Now What?

2011-02-03T12:53:00.002-06:00

It started innocently enough. You connected on FaceBook with an old boyfriend or girlfriend (isn’t technology wonderful?) — or started meeting regularly for lunch or drinks with a colleague from the office. You felt the chemistry, but you weren’t going to act on it. And since “nothing” was going on, you didn’t need to tell your spouse. But now you can’t deny it any longer. Whether your relationship has become physical or remains technically just a friendship, you know that you are in deep. You don’t want to hurt your spouse, but you are sure that ending your affair would break your heart.

At times like these, it can help to know something about human nature. When people feel intense emotions, the parts of their brains that process emotions become more active. Meanwhile, the logical parts of their brains remain relatively inactive. The result? People find ways to make sense of, and support, their emotional state; and it’s incredibly difficult to challenge this emotionally driven thinking.

When someone is having an affair, this kind of thinking intensifies the passion of their new love while also magnifying the inadequacies of their spouse, or their current “real” life. They can try to argue with themselves about how they shouldn’t feel as they do and how pursuing the affair is not a good idea, but that approach usually leaves them feeling a stronger “need” to pursue it. Still, the guilt about doing this can also be overwhelming.

So, if you are caught in this dilemma, what can you do? The first step is to fully acknowledge it. Trying to pretend that a budding love doesn’t exist, or isn’t that strong, will only send your awareness of it underground; where it will influence you without your even realizing it. You will likely find yourself the victim of a surprise attack; I was avoiding her and was okay with that, but then she needed my help with something, and, well… The next thing you know, you are thinking this must be fate. If, instead, you admit to your feelings and look squarely at the problem, you can begin to address it.

Addressing it means, in part, admitting that your thinking is clouded by strong emotions. With this acknowledgment, you are choosing to lead with your head and not your heart. You can consider your values and at least try to correct for the bias of your emotionally driven thinking. This doesn’t mean ignoring your emotions, but rather considering them with the perspective of what’s best for you in the long run. Remember, after all is said and done, after your heart’s fluttering has subsided, you will need to be able to wake up every morning with the results of your actions — so consider them carefully.

Think about your marriage vows and how important they are to you. Think about the effects of continuing an affair on your thoughts and feelings about yourself, as well as on your spouse, children, new love, and anyone else involved.

Many people want to savor their new love, but still have strong incentives to work on their marriage. They want to strive to be happy again with their spouse, not disrupt their lives (for themselves and their children), and do the right thing. But they also ultimately want to be assured of having romantic love in their lives if their efforts at reviving their marriage fail. The dilemma is understandable. However, holding onto both relationships simply does not work. It can’t. Honestly working on a relationship means giving yourself wholeheartedly to it.

[by Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD, WebMD.com]

Relationship Counseling in Fort Payne, Alabama

2011-02-03T12:45:00.004-06:00

There is an art to maintaining the intimate relationships in our lives. Sometimes we need some training. Sometimes we need a little help.

Call today for an appointment at the Relationship Clinic. A professional is ready to work with you.

Is your HDL helping or hurting your risk for Alzheimer’s disease?

2011-02-01T02:07:00.002-06:00

You probably know that having high levels of HDL (high-density lipoprotein) cholesterol has been associated with a reduced risk for heart disease, but did you know that it may also reduce your risk for Alzheimer’s disease?

A study published in the December 2010 issue of the Archives of Neurology found that having high levels of HDL (defined as a level greater than 55) is associated with lower risk for late-onset Alzheimer’s disease.

This is great news! But what can you do if your HDL is low? Here are 5 very simple things you can do to increase your HDL, and they will boost your brain function at the same time. How cool is that?

Get moving. Regular aerobic or interval exercise can increase your HDL in as little as two months. I recommend Burst Training, which is a form of interval training that is so simple anyone can do it. You can find a Sample Burst Training workout in my upcoming book The Amen Solution.
Lose weight. Even dropping a few pounds has been shown to boost HDL levels. If you need help shedding the extra weight, then you’re going to love the new program I’m going to be introducing soon. It will hold your hand through the process and help you every step of the way.
Quit smoking. Duh. Smoking lowers your HDL and constricts blood flow to the brain.
Pump up your intake of omega-3 fatty acids. Eating more wild salmon, walnuts, DHA-enriched eggs, and avocados can increase HDL, as can taking an omega-3 supplement.
Go low-glycemic. Eating too many refined carbohydrates and simple sugars can lower HDL. Stick with complex carbohydrates that are low-glycemic and high in fiber.

[from Amen Clinics by Dr. Amen]

A New Study Shows a Link Between Suicide and Children of Divorce

2011-01-24T12:58:00.001-06:00

Children with divorced parents are at an increased risk of suicidal thoughts, with boys especially vulnerable to the effects of marital breakups.

These new findings were revealed by the recent study, “Suicidal Ideation Among Individuals Whose Parents Have Divorced,” conducted by Esme Fuller-Thompson, a professor at the University of Toronto.

Using a sample of 6,647 adults, 695 of whose parents had divorced before they were 18, Fuller-Thompson found that men from divorced households were three times as likely to have seriously considered suicide, while women had an 83 percent higher chance of having done the same.

Even when Fuller-Thomson adjusted for additional factors like parental abuse and addiction, which often accompany divorce, men still had twice the likelihood of having had suicidal thoughts. These findings suggest that divorce can have seriously adverse effects on children. We asked Esme Fuller-Thompson to help illuminate her study and its implications.

What was the most surprising finding of the study?

“We’re certainly not the first [group] to find a link between parental divorce and suicidal ideation. We were looking at gender differentiation – whether adult sons and adult daughters have different [responses]. Both men and women are at increased risk of suicidal ideation – at some time in their life they’ve seriously considered suicide. When you look at it carefully, and we had a big sample, what we found was that the association between parental divorce and suicidal ideation disappeared when I took out women who had also experienced parental addictions and abuse. But for men, the relationship still existed. Men who had experienced a parental divorce that had not been exposed to those other childhood factors still were at greater risk for suicidal ideation.”

Why might boys be more affected than girls?

“Probably loss of the male role model, the father figure. The majority of children of divorce are raised by their moms. There are a portion of children who have very limited contact with their dad. The loss of a male role model is very significant for young men who are developing their gender identities. When you look back at the general literature, that seemed to be the one that popped up, but we don't know for sure.”

Are there some differences between men and women generally in terms of suicidal thoughts?

“Women have higher rates of suicidal ideation, while men are more likely to complete suicide. They tend to take steps such as shooting or hanging themselves. Women will attempt, but with drugs where you can catch them if you get it in time. In the general population, whose parents haven't divorced, among males 5.5 percent had seriously considered suicide, among females 8.7 percent. But when I looked at men who've experienced parental divorce, I had 17.5 percent. For females it went to 17.5 percent too, but compared to norms, women had a higher baseline to start with.”

What’s the link between having divorced parents and exposure to other negative factors?

“Basically, parental divorces are higher if there’s an addicted parent, and childhood physical abuse is higher in blended families. The majority of children of divorce don’t become suicidal, or are exposed to these stresses, though they have a higher chance of exposure.”

What were some limitations of your study?

“We don’t have all the intense details I would like to have. Though the parents had to divorce before the kid was 18, though one would expect the timing of the divorce would affect their experience – we didn’t have access to that information, or things like, how much contact the child had with the father afterward, or when exactly the suicidal thoughts occurred.”

What can divorced parents take from this?

“I don’t want everyone to panic, every divorced mom to go into an apoplectic fit! The vast majority of divorced children have never been suicidal. It’s just one factor among many. You want it to be replicated many times before you really know what’s going on. It seems to indicate that health professionals should use this as one more screening tool, particularly among men, particularly if they’re depressed. We need to think a little more creatively about how to build resilience in children as they’re experiencing parental divorce.”

[from The Huffington Post, by Amy Lee]

8 Ways To Manage Your Stress

2011-01-23T23:34:00.002-06:00

Life is full of stressors at home and on our jobs. Follow these simple tips, such as eating healthier and exercising, to reduce the stress in your life.

1. General Health - Practicing good basic health habits provides you with the energy you need to cope with stress, like: eating regular, nutritious meals, and limiting your intake of foods high in sugar and caffeine, since these can aggravate stress.

2. Good Nutrition - In addition to good nutrition, getting seven to nine hours of sleep every night will help your overall health.

3. Regular Exercise - Regular exercise is another important health habit -- walking, jogging, bicycling, aerobics. Any sport can help relieve muscle tension and release pent-up energy. In addition, exercise can make you feel good. It can help you think more clearly, and feel better about yourself.

4. Group Support - Another way to cope with stress is to develop a network of caring friends and relatives who will listen to problems, provide companionship, and simply be there when you need them.

5. Seek Professional Help if Needed - For major life changes or crises, professional help may be advisable. Call the Relationship Clinic for an appointment today.

6. Learn To Manage Stress In Healthy Ways - In our day-to-day lives, too often we become stressed-out by a world that heaps change on us. That’s why learning to manage stress in healthy ways is one of the most important things we can do to achieve a healthier, productive and rewarding life.

7. Make Time For Yourself - Making time for yourself for things you enjoy and find relaxing is as important as scheduling your time at work.

8. Take A Break From Everyday Routines - Time spent away from your everyday routine with family, friends, or even by yourself can help change your perspective on things.

[from Beliefnet]

Prayer Can Help Manage Anger and Sadness

2011-01-06T23:50:00.003-06:00

While prayer has been practiced for millennia, a new study looks at the way individuals believe prayer can comfort during hard times.

The 75 percent of Americans who pray on a weekly basis do so to manage a range of negative situations and emotions — illness, sadness, trauma and anger.

However, the mechanism by which relief is accomplished has gone unconsidered by researchers.

Through the course of in-depth interviews with dozens of victims of violent relationships with intimate partners, Shane Sharp, a University of Wisconsin graduate student, gathered an array of ways prayer helped them deal with their situation and emotions through coping mechanisms such as venting.

Sharp’s interviewees represented a wide swath of the United States in geographic, educational and racial terms, and came largely from Christian backgrounds.

Those who were boiling with anger said they found “a readily available listening ear,” said Sharp, who explores how prayer helps manage emotional pain in the current issue of the journal Social Psychology Quarterly.

“If they vented their anger to that abusive partner, the result was likely to be more violence,” Sharp says. “But they could be angry at God while praying without fear of reprisal.”

During any interpersonal interaction, the participants are considering how they look through the other’s eyes. In the case of people who pray, they are considering God’s view.

“During prayer, victims came to see themselves as they believed God saw them. Since these perceptions were mostly positive, it helped raise their sense of self-worth that counteracted their abusers’ hurtful words,” Sharp said.

Prayer is also a handy distraction for some, Sharp’s study found. Simply folding hands and concentrating on what to say is a reprieve from the anxiety of an abusive relationship. The experience isn’t that much different from a conversation with a close friend or a parent, he said.

“I looked at the act of praying, of speaking to God, as the same as a legitimate social interaction,” Sharp said. “Instead of a concrete interaction you would have face-to-face with another person, prayer is with an imagined other.”

That’s not to diminish God’s role by considering him an imagined participant in a prayer, Sharp added.

“On the contrary, I wouldn’t expect prayer to have these benefits for people if they thought God wasn’t real,” he says. “The important point is that they believe God is real, and that has consequences for them emotionally and for their behavior.”

Yet, the consequences of prayer aren’t always positive.

“For some, through prayer they told me they learned to forgive their abusive partners, to let go of their anger and resentment,” Sharp said. “But that’s a double-edged sword. It’s good for those who are out of that violent relationship to let go of it to a certain extent. But if they’re still in their violent relationship, it may postpone their decision to leave, and that can be bad.”

That double-edged sword makes the mechanics of prayer an important topic for new research, according to Sharp. “Religion is often pointed to as a mostly positive or mostly negative thing,” he said. “It’s way more complicated than that.”

Many of those interviewed by Sharp said they believe in God, but don’t belong to a specific church.

“They still pray,” he says. “It’s the most common religious practice you can find. For that reason alone it deserves more attention, and I think future research should consider prayer as an interaction instead of a one-sided act.”

[Source: University of Wisconsin-Madison - By Rick Nauert PhD Senior News Editor - Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on December 15, 2010]

Depression Meds

2011-01-03T19:05:00.003-06:00

There are many depression medications on the market. Here is a link, where you can read more about the different types. For many people, finding the right medication can be a complicated process. It usually requires trying several different medications or dosages to find what works best. It is a process that requires patience.

I would suggest further discussing this matter with your physician. If you are seeing a primary care physician, you may want to consider a psychiatrist instead (or in addition to). Primary care physicians commonly prescribe antidepressant medication to their patients but they are general practitioners. Mental health is not their specialty. Psychiatrists specialize in prescribing medication for psychiatric conditions. This is their area of expertise. Their specialized knowledge would be advantageous to you and may expedite the process of finding the right medication.

Medication does not always solve the issues. Medication will mask the symptoms, but only therapy will solve the cause.

Dealing With Alzheimer's

2010-10-18T12:30:00.002-05:00

It's normal for our loved ones to become a bit forgetful as they age. So how can we separate a harmless "senior moment" from a more serious problem like Alzheimer's disease? One in eight people 65 and older have this devastating form of dementia. In its first stages, Alzheimer's may not be obvious to friends and family. But there are some early warning signs to watch for.

In early Alzheimer's, long-term memories usually remain intact while short-term memories become sketchy. Your loved one may forget conversations you had. He or she may repeat questions that were already answered. The disease also disrupts speech, so patients may struggle to remember common words.

In addition to memory loss, Alzheimer's can cause confusion and behavior changes. Your loved one may get lost in familiar places. Mood swings and poor judgment are also common, as is poor hygiene. People who once dressed with style may resort to wearing stained clothes and unwashed hair.

While it's difficult to face the possibility that a loved one could have Alzheimer's, it's better to consult a doctor sooner rather than later. First, the diagnosis might not be Alzheimer's after all. The symptoms could be caused by a highly treatable problem, such as a thyroid imbalance. And if it is Alzheimer's, today's treatments work best when they are used early in the course of the disease.

There is no simple test for Alzheimer's, so the doctor will rely on you to describe the changes in your loved one. A mental status test, sometimes called a "mini-cog," or other screening tests can help evaluate the patient's mental function and short-term memory. In addition, neurological exams and brain scans may be used to rule out other problems, such as a stroke or tumor — and they can help provide other information about the brain.

Alzheimer's disease leads to nerve cell death and tissue loss throughout the brain. As the disease progresses, brain tissue shrinks and the ventricles (chambers within the brain that contain cerebrospinal fluid) become larger. The damage disrupts communication between brain cells, crippling memory, speech, and comprehension.

Alzheimer's disease takes a different path in every patient. In some people the symptoms worsen quickly, leading to severe memory loss and confusion within a few years. In others, the changes may be more gradual with the disease taking 20 years to run its course. The average length of survival after a diagnosis of Alzheimer's is three to nine years.

Because Alzheimer's affects concentration, patients may lose the ability to manage ordinary tasks like cooking or paying the bills. A study suggests difficulty balancing a checkbook is often one of the first effects of Alzheimer's. As the symptoms worsen, your loved one may not recognize familiar people or places. He or she may get lost easily, or use utensils improperly, such as combing hair with a fork. Incontinence, balance problems, and loss of language are common in the advanced stages.

Poor coordination, memory loss, and confusion make for a dangerous combination behind the wheel. If you feel your loved one should not be driving, explain why. If he or she won't listen, ask the doctor to step in. If the patient still insists on driving, contact the Department of Motor Vehicles for an assessment. Then make an alternate plan for your loved one's transportation needs.

Exercise can help people with Alzheimer's maintain some muscle strength and coordination. It also improves mood and may reduce anxiety. Check with your loved one's doctor to learn which types of exercise are appropriate. Repetitive activities, such as walking, weeding, or even folding laundry may be the most effective at promoting a sense of calm.

As the caregiver of someone with Alzheimer's, you will probably wear many hats — cook, chauffeur, accountant. While you may have to handle the meal planning and finances, encourage the patient to do some activities independently. It may help to label cabinets with their contents and put up sticky notes with reminders of daily tasks. Be sure to buy a weekly pill box for medications.

In the early stages of Alzheimer's, patients often understand what is happening and may be ashamed or anxious. Watch for signs of depression because this can often be managed with medication. In the more advanced stages, your loved one may become paranoid or violent and could even turn on you. Remember that the disease is responsible for this change. Alert the doctor about violent behavior promptly.

Some people with Alzheimer's become distressed when the sun goes down. This agitation tends to last through the evening and sometimes all through the night. The cause is not known, but there are some strategies to ease the tension. Keep the house well lit and close the drapes before sunset. Try distracting your loved one with a favorite activity or TV show. And restrict caffeine after breakfast.

Many people with Alzheimer's have trouble remembering names — even those of close family members. A temporary fix is to put up pictures of friends and relatives with names printed underneath. Eventually, the patient may no longer recognize faces and may react to loved ones as if they are strangers. This can be a distressing time for family members, especially the primary caregiver.

Caring for someone with Alzheimer's can be physically and mentally taxing. Signs of caregiver stress include:

• Anger, sadness, and mood swings.

• Headaches or back pain.

• Difficulty concentrating.

• Difficulty sleeping.

To avoid caregiver burnout, make sure you take at least a few minutes to do something you enjoy every day. Stay in touch with friends and keep up with hobbies whenever possible. Find a friend or relative to be your support person. You can also join an online or local caregiver support group through the Alzheimer's Association.

While your loved one is still able to make important decisions, contact an attorney about drafting advance directives. These are legal documents that spell out the patient's preferences for medical treatments and end-of-life care. The patient should designate someone to make health care decisions and manage finances on his or her behalf. This can avoid confusion when your loved one is no longer able to state his or her wishes.

Many patients express a desire to stay in their own homes as long as possible. Unfortunately, they may have trouble getting dressed or using the bathroom on their own as the disease advances. A home health aide can assist with personal hygiene and other daily tasks. You can also look into local services that deliver meals or provide transportation to the elderly. Most communities have an Area Agency on Aging that provides such services.

There may come a day when your loved one can no longer be cared for at home. If he or she does not need 24-hour nursing care, an assisted-living facility may be an appropriate choice. ALFs provide housing, meals, and activities, but are much less expensive than nursing homes. Look for a facility with an Alzheimer's special care unit, which delivers 24-hour supervision and personal care to meet the needs of people with dementia.

People with advanced Alzheimer's may lose the ability to walk, talk, or respond to others. Eventually, the disease can hinder vital functions, such as the ability to swallow. Patients in this stage may benefit from hospice care, which provides pain relief and comfort for the terminally ill.

Children may feel confused, afraid, or even resentful when a family member is affected by Alzheimer's. Let the child know these feelings are normal and answer his or her questions about the illness honestly. Help the child celebrate happy memories of the patient — for example, by creating a scrapbook.

If you're caring for a relative with Alzheimer's, you might be wondering if there's anything you can do to reduce your own risk. Research in this area is ongoing, but diet and exercise appear key. Studies indicate a lower risk among people who eat a Mediterranean diet rich in vegetables, fish, and nuts. Research also suggests those who are the most physically active are the least likely to get Alzheimer's.

[Web MD]

Stop Stressing

2010-10-11T15:13:00.003-05:00

1. Name the Beast – The first step in tackling any obsession: Identify the thought. What is my fear? What is my doubt? Describe it in one sentence, or in a few words. Name the fear: “I am afraid that if my co-workers find out that I was hospitalized with severe depression that they won’t respect me anymore, and they won’t assign me any projects.” There it is. There’s the beast. You named it, and by doing so, you can rob it of some of its power over you.

2. Find the Distortion – Once you have named the fear or doubt, try to see if you can file it under any of the forms of distorted thinking that Dr. David Burns describes in his bestseller “Feeling Good,” like all-or-nothing thinking, jumping to conclusions, magnification (exaggeration), or discounting the positive (ie “None of my accomplishments count”). Your obsession almost always involves at least three forms of distorted thoughts. So consider Burns’ ten ways of untwisting distorted thinking to help me to undermine my obsession.

3. Pencil It In – Simply tell yourself, “Sorry, it’s not time for that. You’ll have to wait until 8 in the evening, when I give you, My Head, 15 minutes to obsess your heart out.” Record in your journal everything you are dwelling on for 20 minutes every night: that you are a horrible mom, an inadequate writer, that no one likes you, and so on.

4. Laugh at It – Laughter can make almost any situation tolerable. And you have to admit, there is something a little funny about a broken record in your brain.

5. Snap Out of It – Literally snap out of it. Wear a rubber band around your wrist, and every time your thoughts turn to an obsession, snap the band as a reminder. Or, write your obsession on a piece of paper, then crinkle it up and throw it away. That way you have literally thrown out your obsession. Or you could try visualizing a stop sign. When your thoughts go there, remember to stop! Look at the sign!

6. Pull Over – One of the most helpful visualizations is to imagine that you are driving a car. Every time your thoughts revert back to an obsession, pull over on the shoulder, because your car is misaligned. It’s dragging right. Once you’ve stopped, ask myself: “Do I need to change anything?” Can I change anything? Can I amend this situation somehow? Do I have anything I need to do to find peace? Spend a minute asking the questions. Then, if you don’t have anything to fix, it’s time to get your car back on the road again. This is basically a visualization of the Serenity Prayer. Try to decipher between what you can’t change and what you can. Once you have made the distinction, it’s time to start driving again.

7. Learn the Lesson – We often obsess about our mistakes. I know I messed up, and I’m beating myself over and over again for not doing it right the first time, especially when I have involved other people and hurt them unintentionally. If that’s the case, ask yourself: What is the lesson here? What have I learned? Just like the first step – naming the obsession – describe the lesson in one sentence or less.

8. Forgive Yourself – After you take away the lesson, you have to forgive yourself. This is a hard one. Especially for perfectionists. And guess what? Perfectionists are natural ruminators. Julia Cameron writes about this in “The Artist’s Way:” “Perfectionism is a refusal to let yourself move ahead. It is a loop – an obsessive, debilitating closed system that causes you to get stuck in the details of what you are writing or painting or making and to lose sight of the whole. Instead of creating freely and allowing errors to reveal themselves later as insights, we often get mired in getting the details right. We correct our originality into a uniformity that lacks passion and spontaneity.” Forgiving yourself means concentrating on the insights gained from mistakes, and to let go of the rest.

9. Imagine the Worst – Imagining the worst can actually relieve the fear that’s triggering an obsession.

10. Put It on Hold – Sometimes we start to obsess about a situation for which we don’t have enough information. So it’s useless to worry. Therefore put your obsession “on hold,” like it was a pretty lavender dress at a boutique that you saw and wanted but didn’t have enough money to buy. So it’s there, waiting, when you get enough money – or enough data.

11. Dig for the Cause – So often the object of the obsession isn’t the real issue. That object or person or situation is masking the deeper issue we’re too afraid to face.

12. Reel It In – We all know how fast obsessions can take on a life of their own. A slight hitch in a project becomes a massive hurdle, a friendly gesture by a friend turns ugly and threatening, and a minor criticism from a colleague turns into a 150-page dissertation about your flaws and inadequacies – you know, everything that’s bad about you and why you shouldn’t get out of bed in the morning. Granted, buried within any obsession are usually pieces of truth. But other parts are way off in fantasyland – with about as much accuracy as there is in a juicy celebrity tabloid story: “Celine Dion meets ET for drinks.” That’s why you need some good friends that will help you separate fact from fiction.

13. Interrupt the Conversation – Here’s where a bad habit can come in handy. Are you always interrupting people? Can’t help it? You get curious about a detail in someone’s story, and you want to hear more about that, not the end of the story? That’s how an obsession works in your brain – like a conversation over coffee: “This is why he hates me, and this, too, is why he hates me, and did I mention why he hates me? I’m sure he hates me.” Practice some of your rude manners and interrupt. You don’t even have to say, “Excuse me.” Ask yourself a question or throw out another topic. By doing so, you catch the snowball as it’s accumulating matter, and you throw it back with momentum because, as most of us learned in physics, a body in motion stays in motion. Now your internal conversation goes something like: “These are the reasons he should like me, and this, too, is why he should like me, and did I mention that he probably likes me? I’m sure he likes me.”

14. Stay in the Present – When you are grounded in the moment, you’re not thinking of what bad things can happen to you in the future, or dwelling on the mistakes of your past. To get yourself into the present, start with your senses. Try to hear only the noises that surround tiy – cars, birds, dogs barking, church bells – because if you give yourself the assignment of listening to the actual sounds around you, you can’t obsess on a fear. Likewise, concentrate on seeing what’s in front of you. At the very moment. Not in the year 2034.

15. Give it Back to God – The last step is surrender, as usual. “Okay, God, I give up! Take the bloody obsession from me!” It’s acknowledging that the last 14 steps haven’t gotten you where you need to be, and so you don’t know what else to do but give your ruminating mind to God and let him deal with it. Obsessions are almost always rooted in our attachments. So if we can think of them as borrowed from God – that God alone is the owner of this thing about which we are obsessing – we tend to become less greedy and possessive with our gifts, material and otherwise. In this way, we are mere stewards of whatever God has graciously given us.

Today's Quote

2010-09-10T14:37:00.001-05:00

“If you think divorcing and marrying another will bring you happiness, know this: 74% of second marriages AFTER a divorce end in divorce.” Rick Warren

Bipolar Does Not Increase Risk of Violent Crime

2010-09-09T10:43:00.001-05:00

A new Swedish study suggests that a person with bipolar disorder is not at increased risk of aggression. However, substance abuse associated with bipolar does increase the chance of violent crime.

The public debate on violent crime usually assumes that violence in the mentally ill is a direct result of the perpetrator’s illness.

Previous research has also suggested that patients with bipolar disorder – also known as manic-depressive disorder – are more likely to behave violently.

However, it has been unclear if the violence is due to the bipolar disorder per se, or caused by other aspects of the individual’s personality or lifestyle.

The new study, carried out by researchers at Karolinska Institutet and Oxford University, is presented in the scientific journal Archives of General Psychiatry.

Researchers compared the rate of violent crime in over 3,700 patients with bipolar disorder cared for in Swedish hospitals between 1973 and 2004 with that of 37,000 control individuals from the general public.

Twenty-one percent of patients with bipolar disorder and a concurrent diagnosis of severe substance abuse (alcohol or illegal drugs) were convicted of violent crimes, compared to five percent of those with bipolar disorder but without substance abuse, and three percent among general public control individuals.

The differences remained when accounting for age, gender, immigrant background, socioeconomic status, and whether the most recent presentation of the bipolar disorder was manic or depressed.

“Interestingly, this concurs with our group’s previous findings in schizophrenia, another serious psychiatric disorder, which found that individuals with schizophrenia are not more violent than members of the general public, provided there is no substance abuse,” says professor Niklas Långström, head of the Centre for Violence Prevention at Karolinska Institutet.

According to the researchers, the findings support the need for initiatives to prevent, identify and treat substance abuse when fighting violent crime. Additionally, Långström hopes that the results will help challenge overly simplistic explanations of the causes of violent crime.

“Unwarranted fear and stigmatization of mental illness increases the alienation of people with psychiatric disorder and makes them less inclined to seek the care they need,” Långström comments.

[Source: Karolinska Institutet, by Rick Nauert PhD Senior News Editor, Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D., Psych Central News]

Parental Depression After Childbirth

2010-09-09T10:32:00.003-05:00

A study of UK parents suggests a significant number of parents develop depression during the first twelve months of a child’s life.

Researchers discovered more than 30 percent of mothers and about 20 percent of fathers experience an episode of depression — with the risk of depression greatest during the first year after birth.

The report will appear in the November issue of Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine.

“Depression in parents is associated with adverse behavioral, developmental and cognitive outcomes in their children,” the authors write as background information in the article. “While the maternal depression and child outcome literature is well established, there are fewer studies on paternal depression. There is evidence that paternal depression is not uncommon, with rates higher than those in the general adult male population; however, a wide range of prevalence rates for paternal depression have been reported.”

Shreya Davé, Ph.D., M.Sc., B.Sc., of the Medical Research Council, London, England, and colleagues examined incidence, trends and correlates of parental depression in 86,957 families seen in U.K. primary care facilities between 1993 and 2007.

Mothers and fathers with depression were identified using diagnostic codes and pharmacy records.

Overall, between their children’s birth and age 12, 19,286 mothers had a total of 25,176 episodes of depression and 8,012 fathers had a total of 9,683 episodes of depression.

The depression rate was 7.53 per 100 mothers per year and 2.69 per 100 fathers per year. The highest rates were observed in the first year after the birth of a child, with 13.93 per 100 mothers and 3.56 per 100 fathers experiencing depression in that period.

“These high rates of depression in the postpartum period are not surprising owing to the potential stress associated with the birth of a baby, e.g., poor parental sleep, the demands made on parents and the change in their responsibilities, and the pressure this could place on the couple’s relationship,” the authors write.

“The high rate of parental depression in the first year after delivery may also be partly due to a resumption of antidepressant use following a break during pregnancy and breastfeeding.”

Parents who had a history of depression, who were younger (ages 15 to 24, compared with 25 and older) when their child was born and who were more socially deprived were more likely to develop depression.

“There is a well-established link between depression and social and economic deprivation both in the general population and among parents. This finding may reflect the stresses of poverty, unemployment, low employment grade and lower social support among people of lower socioeconomic status,” the authors write.

In addition, “younger parents may be less prepared for parenthood with more unplanned pregnancies and may be less able to deal with the stresses of parenthood compared with older parents.”

The findings suggest that there is a need for appropriate detection of depression among mothers and fathers, and that clinicians should be aware of the risk factors for depression in parents and assess individuals who possess those characteristics.

In addition, the authors note, future research should examine other factors associated with parental depression, such as the couple’s relationship quality and stressful life events, as well as the separate and cumulative effects of maternal and paternal depression on children’s health and development.

[by Rick Nauert, PhD, Senior News Editor, Psych Central News, Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D.]

Why Do People Have Sex?

2010-09-05T07:35:00.002-05:00

Your partner may come up with a dozen excuses to say “Not tonight, dear, I have a ____,” but how many reasons can the two of you name for seeking sex?

One? Two? Twenty? How about 200? Some college students have cited as many as 237 different reasons for having sex.

From pleasure to procreation, insecurity to inquisitiveness – today’s reasons for taking a roll in the hay seem to vary as much as the terms for the deed itself. A 2010 Sexuality & Culture review of sex motivation studies states that people are offering “far more reasons for choosing to engage in sexual activity than in former times.” And we’re doing it more often, too. It is a stark contrast from historical assumptions, which tend to cite only three sexual motivators: To make babies, to feel good, or because you’re in love.

Today, sexual behaviors seem to have taken on many different psychological, social, cultural, even religious meanings. Yet, some sexologists say, at the most basic level, there is only one true reason people seek sex.

Wired for Sex

“We are programmed to do so. Asking why people have sex is akin to asking why we eat. Our brains are designed to motivate us toward that behavior,” says Richard A. Carroll, PhD, a sex therapist and associate professor in the department of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine.

The idea that humans are hard-wired for sex reflects an evolutionary perspective, says Elaine Hatfield, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Hawaii and author of that 2010 review examining sexual motives from cross-cultural, historical, and evolutionary viewpoints.

“Evolutionary theorists point out that a desire for sexual relations is ‘wired in’ in order to promote species survival,” she tells WebMD in an email. “Cultural theorists tend to focus on the cultural and personal reasons people have (or avoid) sex. Cultures differ markedly in what are considered to be ‘appropriate’ reasons for having or avoiding sex.”

("Wired" can also mean - designed this way by the Creator.)

What’s Your Motive?

Why do you seek sex? Motivations generally fall into four main categories, according to psychologists at UT-Austin, who asked more than 1,500 undergraduate college students about their sexual attitudes and experiences.

Physical reasons: Pleasure, stress relief, exercise, sexual curiosity, or attraction to a person.
Goal-based reasons: To make a baby, improve social status (for example, to become popular), or seek revenge.
Emotional reasons: Love, commitment, and gratitude.
Insecurity reasons: To boost self-esteem, keep a partner from seeking sex elsewhere, or because of a feeling of duty or pressure (for example, a partner insists on having sex).

The Difference Between the Sexes

Generally speaking, men seek sex because they like how it feels. Women, although they very well may also derive pleasure from the act, are generally more interested in the relationship enhancement aspects of sex. Researchers describe these differences as body-centered versus person-centered sex.

Body-centered sex is when you have sex because you like the way it makes your body feel. You are not really caring about the emotions of your partner.

Person-centered sex is when you have sex to connect with the other person. You care about the emotions involved and the relationship.

“Men often start out being body centered,” says Janell Carroll, PhD, adjunct professor of psychology at the University of Hartford and author of a human sexuality textbook (no relation to Richard Carroll). “But that changes later on. As men reach their 40s, 50s, and 60s, their relationship becomes more important.”

Richard Carroll has been counseling couples with sexual issues for more than two decades. “Women actually become more like men over time, in the sense that often early on, sex is about initiating, developing, strengthening, and maintaining relationships, but in a long-term relationship they can actually begin to focus on the pleasure of it.”

Despite the generalities, research suggests that there has been a big convergence in sexual attitudes among men and women in recent years. In 1985, Janell Carroll and colleagues found that most college-aged males had casual sex for physical reasons, without emotional attachments. She repeated many of the same study questions to a new audience in 2006, and is working toward publishing her results.

“Instead of men and women being at opposite ends of the sexual spectrum, they are now coming together,” she tells WebMD. “More women might be having sex for physical reasons, but many more men were more likely to say they had sex for emotional reasons.”

20 Reasons People Have Sex

Stressed out? Have sex. Stress reduction is one of the leading reasons Americans, particularly men, say they have sex, says Richard Caroll. The review, published online in Sexuality & Culture, shows other most frequently cited reasons for having sex include:

Boosting mood and relieving depression
Duty
Enhancement of power
Enhancement of self-concept
Experiencing the power of one’s partner
Feeling loved by your partner
Fostering jealousy
Improve reputation or social status
Making money
Making babies (procreation)
Need for affection
Nurturance
Partner novelty
Peer pressure or pressure from partner
Pleasure
Reduce sex drive
Revenge
Sexual curiosity
Showing love to your partner
Spiritual transcendence

Why Study Sex?

Understanding why people seek sex is not always a simple task. Most studies have involved college undergraduates, a “sample of convenience” for university researchers, but one that is often very limiting. Such young men and women typically haven’t been in very committed relationships and are in the process of discovering their sexuality. Their answers to “why do you have sex” are often greatly tied to the image of themselves and their social relationships, says Richard Carroll. This can change over time.

But such knowledge can improve a couple’s sex life.

“Understanding these differences in motivations is very important. It helps us understand what’s going on in the sexual relationship and treat sexual disorders. Very often you find the source of the problem can be traced to the particular motivation,” says Richard Carroll.

If you need help, you can find a qualified counselor or sex therapist in your area through organizations such as the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapist (AASECT) or The Society for Sex Therapy and Research.

[By Kelli Miller Stacy - WebMD Feature]

How To Resolve Conflict With Your Partner

2010-08-24T13:18:00.004-05:00

1. Shift your perspective, believing there is a solution that will leave you both feeling strong.

2. One at a time, allow each person to clearly state all of his or her concerns, hopes, assumptions, fears, feelings, beliefs, values and fears about the situation.

3. Speak and listen without judgment. Avoid interrupting or justifying; just stay curious.

4. Find the common feelings and experiences.

5. Decide together what values and feelings you both must experience in whatever solution you strive for. Always ask, "What would it look like when it's working?"

6. Seek solutions together that meet the needs of both people. Be open to the solution being something completely different from either original stance.

7. Choose. You may ask - choose what? Your compromise.

8. Know that the ultimate goal is your shared positive experience. Commit to your decision together and reinforce how this decision is going to uphold the positive emotions you are both striving to experience. It helps to make a physical sign of your commitment: Sign a paper or cross a line together on the floor. Establish that breaking this commitment is a sign to yourself that you do not feel that you and your relationship are worth the effort. Putting things in those terms may sound harsh - but not if you're truly committed.

Solving conflict is one of the most challenging things for couples to master, and doing it effectively takes patience and practice. Many couples report that getting through a difficult conflict brought them closer together, deepening each partner's understanding of the other's values, hopes and dreams. Focus on the outcome of deepening your connection, and the conversation will have a much better chance of success.

Just like your job, you signed onto your relationship, committing yourselves to making it work. And just like your job, there are times when you simply have to dig your heels in to do the work necessary to keep your job. The beauty is, each of these relationships has the potential to give you a solid, and growing, happiness. You just might find that sometimes, you have to look, and work, for it a little harder than you thought.

Want a Closer Relationship With Your Partner?

2010-08-20T11:10:00.001-05:00

Getting closer to your partner could take some effort, yet can be one of the most important undertakings you’ll make in your relationship. And an undertaking that may not happen simply on its own. Here are ideas from www.Oprah.com contributor Marcus Buckingham to foster loving connections, and being certain that you are “supporting the being” of your partner:

1. Spend time discovering the experiences that strengthen your partner the most.

2. Create situations in which your partner will be able to experience these moments – with or without you. You needn’t try to enjoy your partner’s strengthening moments thinking it will bring you closer together. If you’re pretending to like something that you don’t, it won’t.

3. Design an evening where your sole purpose is to express gratitude for your partner. Talk about all the ways your partner makes your life better, the little things that you notice and appreciate and the impact your partner has on the lives of your children, if you have them. Use specific examples to illustrate what you are saying.

4. Every week, plan to share a mutually strengthening experience together.

5. Inevitably your partner will do things that frustrate or annoy you. Strive to focus on what’s working, or what “working” would look like, and then find evidence that your partner is doing it. Look for it. Believe in it. You’ll be surprised when your partner begins to transform before your eyes. We get what we look for.

6. Research reveals the ways you perceive your spouse not only color your current reality, but they actually alter your relationship and thereby create your future reality. So, when looking at your spouse, choose your perceptions carefully.

When the desire to connect, support and love outshines the need to be right about your partner, you’re onto something. It is a deliberate choice to look for the best in the people around us. Always look for what’s working. Attention amplifies.

Thunder by the Canyon

2010-08-16T19:12:00.003-05:00

[Click on image to enlarge.} For more information, CLICK HERE.

DeKalb Grief Support Group

2010-08-15T15:12:00.001-05:00

[Click on image to enlarge.] For more information, CLICK HERE.

Prescription Drug Abuse

2010-07-02T16:41:00.004-05:00

The dealer supplying you or your kids might be a pharmacist. And people of all ages are getting addicted.

Here are some stats:

According to a recent study one out of five teens has abused prescription medication.

“It’s an epidemic and I’m afraid we’re losing a whole generation. These pain medications are so highly addictive that these young people are digging themselves a very deep hole.”, stated Beth Lewis Maze, the Chief Circuit Judge for the 21st Judicial Circuit in Kentucky in an interview on MSNBC.

Another study recently found that the number of Baby Boomers (those 50 and older) showing up for treatment has almost doubled in the last 15 years. Many of these admissions are for several drugs, prescriptions included. Though most reported that they had used drugs at an early age, the abuse picked up within the last five years.

“The graying of drug users in America is an issue for many programs and communities providing health or social services for seniors." These findings show the changing scope of substance abuse problems in America.” stated SAMHSA administrator Pamela S. Hyde.

The American Journal of Preventive Medicine reported that hospitalizations for poisoning by opiates and tranquilizers rose 65% from 1999 to 2006.
Meanwhile, the statistics for those who need treatment and don’t seek it are skyrocketing.

While physicians, pharmacists, drug companies and law makers have had a hand in the pharmaceutical epidemic, solutions will be slow in coming from the perpetrators.

It is up to families and individuals to find their own solutions and the only real answer for prescription drug addiction is effective treatment program through counseling.

If you know someone who is abusing prescription drugs, do something about it now. The consequences of waiting could be deadly. Call us today.

Acting now could very well save a life and the value of a life saved is priceless.

When There is Conflict in Marriage

2010-06-14T11:36:00.003-05:00

Marriage counseling is so difficult because everything is read through the lens of “He is so controlling,” or “She won’t respect me.”

Why does this happen? On the surface, an intractable conflict might seem to be about land (e.g., Palestinians vs. Israelis) or about ideological solidarity (republicans vs. democrats) or about bald desire for power. The marriage conflict may appear to be about respect, money, or power. But, conflict can become intractable because the larger system is supported by the conflict and would more or less collapse if peace were to overtake it. Attractors, they say help maintain a coherent view of the world, a way of promoting unequivocal action without hesitation. Truth be told. We like living in a black/white world where our actions are always clear to us and the bad guys are always bad.

A word about power. In conflict, we use power to get what we want (via direct use or manipulation). But there are always power differences between parties. Someone always has more power. In couples, one spouse will always want more sex than the other. This isn’t a bad thing. It only becomes bad when either party refuses to accept the differences or show any capacity to be influenced by the other.

When peaceful resolutions take place, it is because a new system has been developed; a new set of values and definers of reality.

How do you implement such a change? You cannot go directly after the thing that maintains the conflict. In other words, don’t say, “You, wife, stop believing your husband doesn’t love you”; or “You, husband, start loving your wife by…” Built into the maintainers of conflict is a strain of resistance. “I know you just did something nice for me but you really are just trying to get on my good side so you can (fill in the blank), but I’m on to you!”

Attempts to challenge directly the validity or practicality of an attractor for intractable conflict are therefore often doomed to fail and in fact are likely to intensify people’s beliefs and energize their response tendencies.

Again, how do we deal with these longstanding conflicts? How do we stop seeing the problem as a simple equation (you stink and I’m great) to something more complex (we’re both broken and here’s what I can do to make things better)?

1. Force yourself to step back to see the complexity of the situation. This sometimes happens when something blows our mind (we act in a way we THOUGHT we never would). To do this we have to believe that the simple answer is easy but ALWAYS wrong and desire to have a more nuanced view of self and other.

2. Go back to see previous unity. So, a couple might go back to remember their first love. What affinities did they once have? Can they recover them? Some couples can. From here, they may find the power to fix problems that seem just a wee bit smaller because of a more powerful unifying narrative that was forgotten.

3. Focus on who you want to be in the midst of trials and tribulations. What kind of person do I want to be (that God empowers me to be) come what may?

Notice that only #2 has to work towards maintaining the marriage and living in close quarters. One can develop a more complex and realistic view of the problem (#1) or focus on character development (#3) and still choose to end a violent or destructive relationship. Both also require that we value something greater than self-interest. From a Christian point of view, love must be the reason for all three options – a love given to us by God alone.

[from Musings of a Christian Psychologist by Phil]

Is Dessert Really Necessary?

2010-06-13T17:28:00.004-05:00

Food desserts have become a hot topic around the country, with health and policy experts seeing them as a contributor to the epidemic of obesity and its accompanying health problems, including high blood pressure, stroke and diabetes.

Those issues are particularly critical in Alabama, which ranks second in the country for obesity and fourth for diabetes, according to the state health department. And while health experts are constantly pushing the message of healthy eating, 77 percent of Alabama adults and 85 percent of high school students don't get five servings of fruit and vegetables a day, according to an Alabama Department of Public Health report.

Low-income and minority residents are the most likely to be obese, according to the health department. Some of that may be because of cultural choices or not having money to spend on healthy food, which is often more expensive than soda and fries.

But in some cases, it has gotten harder to find healthy options, especially in inner-city neighborhoods where food stores have closed. For example, the one grocery store in the Pratt community, a Food Fair on U.S. 78, now stands empty, said community president Alonzo Darrow.

"A lot of people from north Birmingham would come to that store," Darrow said. "Now you will not find a grocery store until you get to Five Points West, and that's a long way away. So all those people who don't have a grocery store either have to get to Five Points West or they have to get to Forestdale."

More markets would help provide employment and keep residents from spending their money in other cities, said Mayor William Bell, who said he hears constantly from residents that they have no convenient place to shop. But, he said, the health factor is the biggest priority.

Healthy thinking produces healthy eating habits. Think about it. Obesity can be prevented. Is that dessert really necessary?

How To ...

2010-06-12T13:11:00.001-05:00

Cooling Down Following a Confrontation

2010-06-12T12:18:00.003-05:00

We all try to keep our cool and stop anger and hostility from infiltrating our sense of inner peace, but sometimes — whether we rashly lose our tempers or are provoked into a righteous confrontation — we find ourselves in an argument. During the fight, our endorphins pump, our faces flush, our hands might shake, and our hearts pound.

But what about afterwards? How can we harness our endorphins, faces, hands, and hearts and re-assemble that inner peace that was shattered when the argument reared its ugly head?

Here are some ideas.

Take a walk - think about the situation and what just happened. Was that even worth it to argue? Did it really need to go that far? And what was the whole argument about again?

Tear up paper - the simple activity of shredding up paper with both hands can keep you distracted and help relieve those fleeting thoughts of anger.

Take it out on something else - go out and find the largest rock you can pick up and toss it as far as you can. Or, take a plastic baseball bat and use it on the sofa. Use a punching bag if you have one. Do not be destructive, but take it out on something non-destructive. Exertion is good.

Burn vanilla or lavender candles - vanilla scents are calming and soothing, while lavender also encourages sleep. Taking a whiff of these powerful scents can help you de-stress and remove yourself from the tension just long enough to simmer down.

Don't tell the story too many times - instead, tell the story to a very inner circle, and to others who know you had an argument, either have a one-sentence summary or just ask them to support you in calming down. Tell the story too much and with detail, and you will becoime anxious all over again.

Shake your shoulders - most of us collect tension in the areas in the back of the neck, shoulders, and upper body. Next time you’re having a tense moment, notice how your shoulders may be hunched in and how the muscles are contracting. Shaking your shoulders will give you a much-needed posture adjustment, helping you breathe naturally and calming you down.

Respect different opinions - it is hard sometimes for people to realize that an argument is an expression of difference of opinion, and we all are entitled to our own opinion. That doesn’t mean that either person is wrong, just different. It is not always what you say, but how you say it, so try to say it with God’s guidance and a pure heart. That you remain calm during and after an argument.

Think about your breathing - consciously try to slow your breathing and breath deeply. The more you can control your breathing, the better you can lower your heart rate.

Prepare for Better Sleep

2010-06-05T20:06:00.003-05:00

Most of us do things at night that are counter-productive to actually sleeping. Instead, make slight changes in your rituals to prepare your body for rest.

Dim your lights several hours before bed to avoid the stimulation caused by artificial light pollution — which is all around us through TV, computers, and indoor lighting — and serves to stimulate us.

Come up with a regular, rhythmic evening ritual that allows you to embrace anxieties that get released when you slow down. Meditation, prayer, and deep breathing are all good methods.
Surrender to sleep. After all, you go to the movies, you shouldn't go to sleep. There is nothing you have to do to sleep — except let go of waking. Practice "dying" into sleep — rather than forcing yourself to sleep — and cultivate awareness of your personal twilight zone.

- No alcohol or nicotine for 1.5 hours before bed.

- No exercise that makes you sweat for 1.5 hours before bed.

- No caffeine, caffeinated beverages or food, or caffeine in pills for as long as you need to avoid (we recommend three hours) before bed.

- No eating three hours before bed, so you can avoid reflux issues that can disturb sleep.

Some sleep problems don't arise because of worry or melatonin problems. Some are caused because your back hurts like stink. Truth is, some people get through general back pain or knee pain during the day because they're so focused on other things. But when trying to get to sleep, they feel the pain — and focus on it. A simple over-the-counter anti-inflammatory medication can help — not specifically to get you to sleep, but to help alleviate the pain that's preventing you from sleeping. Take a low-dose aspirin with a glass of water at least one hour before bedtime so that the acid doesn't have as much chance of refluxing up from your stomach to your esophagus.

Allergies can make sleeping trouble worse because of the congestion they cause. About 40 percent of people with allergic rhinitis have trouble sleeping. Over-the-counter nasal strips and sprays help open up everything and clear up symptoms like headaches, watery eyes, runny nose, or new-onset snoring. If you experience those symptoms and aren't aware of any allergies, search for the source in unexpected places. Some have allergies to gluten (wheat, barley, oats), which can lead to congestion and increase insomnia, as can allergies to detergents and the cleaning products you use on your clothes or sheets. One note: Decongestant nasal sprays are addictive and raise your blood pressure. Saline or antihistamine sprays (or a prescription steroid spray) are better options.

You'd think that the way to treat a lack of sleep is to get more of it, but one way that sleep docs treat insomnia is by making their patients sleep less. For instance, they'll take a patient getting five hours a night and force them to get only four a night, and then gradually increase for 10 or 15 minutes a night once a week. The sleep-deprivation approach can work as a way to force your body to reset back into a regular sleeping pattern.

Living Longer Starts in Your Head

2010-05-21T12:17:00.003-05:00

Want to live longer? Then you better have a really good idea of what you're living for.

In a study of older adults, those who lived a goal-driven life were 57 percent less likely to die during the 5-year study period -- compared with those who didn't have much direction or purpose.

How a Purpose Protects

Are you making plans for the future? Is there something that you're actively trying to achieve? Does your life have meaning? A resounding yes to these questions could mean you get more time on earth to accomplish things. Having a purpose in life was so helpful in a recent study that it even appeared to improve the longevity of people with depression, disabilities, chronic medical conditions, or financial difficulties.

Having a purpose in life can boost your emotional well-being -- which in turn may lower the risk for chronic disease. Taking care of your emotional health and well-being can add up to 16 years to your life.

[from www.realage.com]

Nonmedicinal Treatments for ADHD Children

2010-05-20T08:56:00.004-05:00

When parents learn their child has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, they often find themselves facing a mountain of treatment approaches to improve their child's well-being. Most parents will find an element of control in one or more of the many psychosocial, behavioral or pharmaceutical treatments available for ADHD. Dr. Eugenia Chan, director of the ADHD program at Children's Hospital Boston says there's no "instant fix" for ADHD.

"It takes a sustained effort by a team of people, including parents, teachers, doctors, and other health professionals," she says.

There are as many approaches to changing a child's behavior as there are cable channels. Finding the right ones will require some creative strategizing and some trial and error before you are able to tune in to a few effective methods.

While many children and their families have found solace and support in drug treatments for ADHD, other parents would prefer to not medicate their child and turn to nonmedicinal treatments instead.

Here are seven med-free strategies that might help kids with ADHD gain focus and control. (Be sure to discuss any new treatment approaches with your health-care provider before trying them with your kids.)

Get Beyond the Time-Out -- Be very clear and specific about what is expected from the outset. For example, instead of saying, "Clean your room," say, "Straighten your bed blankets and pillows." Working with just a few small, reachable goals is more manageable. And let your child help devise goals.

Use charts, checklists and reminders to keep track of the progress and to look for patterns -- both negative and positive.

Send in the Reinforcements -- Who doesn't want to be rewarded for doing good work? If the result is a good one, show praise for the behavior by recognizing it with a reward -- a gold star, well-deserved privilege or other mutually agreed-upon prize. Chan says it is just as important to actively (and selectively) ignore undesirable behaviors as it is to recognize and reward the good ones.

"One of the core problems in children with ADHD is the inability to keep themselves from doing something even though they know it's wrong, says Chan. Some things are clearly not OK, such as aggression and threats to safety -- but other things can wait."

Start Moving -- Sounds counterintuitive to tell a child with ADHD to move more, but exercise has wide-reaching benefits to brain function. While straightforward exercise, such as walking or cycling, helps to flood the brain with focus-sharpening neurochemicals, programmed exercise turns on higher centers of the brain that promote organizational functioning.

Physical activities that require kids to pay close attention to where their bodies are in space are better at sustaining focus and concentration. Martial arts, ballet or gymnastics are good choices. And yoga is especially good because it incorporates controlled breathing techniques, posture and meditation that all work to improve concentration and reduce stress. Don't dissuade a physical activity that your child likes, even if she doesn't excel at it.

Go Green -- Kids with ADHD often spend a lot of time indoors receiving therapy and extra help. But a few studies tout the benefits of exposing children with ADHD to natural environments and open space as a way to reduce "attention fatigue" that kids with ADHD experience after long periods of time spent concentrating indoors. A University of Illinois study published in the March 2009 issue of the Journal of Attention Disorders found that children with attention deficits concentrate better after a short 20-minute walk in a green park.

Watch What They Eat -- When looking for reasons to explain behavior changes, diet is often in the line of fire. Sugar is the most maligned, but food coloring, preservatives and natural and artificial salicylates in foods have also been implicated. While the scientific evidence linking these foods and behavior is thin, eliminating foods with a high potential for allergies -- dairy products, wheat, corn, yeast, soy, citrus, eggs, chocolate and nuts -- might reduce ADHD symptoms in certain highly sensitive children.

If you are planning to alter your child's nutritional intake, consider working with a registered dietician to assure you maintain a well-balanced diet during the process of elimination. Keep a detailed food diary to see if there are any positive behavioral changes associated with removing or adding certain foods.

Get Wired -- In biofeedback sessions, which are led by a trained practitioner, your child would wear a cap connected to sensors that measure brain activity while she is engaged in a focus-promoting game displayed on a computer screen. If she loses focus, the game stops, encouraging her to regain focus in order to continue playing the game. The hope is that children will practice focused activity for increasing periods and will learn to sustain their attention outside of therapy.

Put Them to Work -- Finding something that a child with ADHD enjoys and takes pride in can give him a sense of purpose and self-control while diffusing some negative behaviors and tension.

"A lot of kids with ADHD have poor coordination, so finding a creative or service-oriented activity they genuinely enjoy is important for building self-esteem and self-confidence, says Chan. "And the child does not necessarily have to do the activity well for it to be effective."

And while doing chores is, well, a chore, performing household tasks can be good work, too. Be specific about what is expected, give a deadline and tell them how they will be compensated -- extra TV time or other recognition of service.

[By Tina Pavane]

Today's Relationship Thought

2010-05-20T02:44:00.002-05:00

Without adding sufficient leisure time to our schedule for meaningful communication, a relationship with those who are important to us will disintegrate faster than we can keep it in repair.

Advice for Husbands

2010-05-06T10:41:00.004-05:00

Trust me, the following is a partial list of what many wives want and need. This list is not complete and your wife has specific needs. But, this may give you some valuable insight.

Lend a hand -- Frankly, what your wife wants (like a marriage proposal?) is you getting down on your hands and knees! Now, after the "I do's"- getting plain old down and dirty. Literally- sweaty and … scrubbing the grout in the bathroom. Man up when it comes to household duties; it pays off.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T -- Behave respectfully to your in-laws. It may be your opinion that they don't deserve it, but make no mistake: your wife does. Do it for her.

Hold her hand -- Often.

Work at your marriage -- "Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb. It isn't something you get. It's something you do. It's the way you love your partner every day." —Ann Landers

Confide your thoughts and feelings - carefully -- Sometimes when times are tough, you've got to talk to someone, anyone other than your wife, just to get perspective. But keep in mind that your friends are there to support you, not provide perspective, and don't say anything you can't take back once these troubles are behind you.

Surprise her -- Do something nice for your wife, with no provocation, no less than once a week. If you have to put it on your calendar, if you have to tattoo it on your forehead, make it happen. Your life will be longer and happier for it.

Don't write off counseling -- Everyone should be in marriage counseling because marriage is hard. If your car is having problems, you take it to a mechanic. Don't give up on a relationship you value without exploring every possible avenue for healing first.

Make time for your relationship -- Never underestimate the importance of closeness to each other in your marriage.

Apologize -- Be the first one to say "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong," even when you're not sorry and you weren't wrong.

Give her a hug -- Hug her. We all love hugging- here, I'll say it: no doubt, your wife does.

Don't try to change her -- Every new young married thinks he or she can change their spouse. Every experienced husband wishes he could have back all the time and energy he spent trying to do so. Men, feel free to share this rule with your wife.

Fight fairly -- When you fight — and you will — fight fairly. The causes of a quarrel will fade from memory, but cruel words are remembered for years, as well as the lingering heartache.

Be open to change -- Yours; hers... While it is true that in our heart of hearts, people basically do not change, be aware of the truth that people do change in some ways, as years go by, and so do marriages. Be flexible.

Remind yourself why you love her -- Marriage is a choice you make every day, not just at the altar. Once in a while, it's important to remind yourself why you chose this woman, and why you still choose her. Then be sure your wife knows you remember.

The golden rule, adapted for marriage: Treat her right -- Put her above all others. It's not always possible, of course, but when you are able, make her your #1. That includes your parents, your children, and yourself.

[From Glamour magazine]

The Importance of Sleep and Dreams

2010-05-06T10:24:00.003-05:00

Scientists have long wondered why we sleep and why we dream. A new study provides evidence for some long-held notions that sleep and dreams boost learning and help us to make sense of the real world. Even naps can help, the researchers found.

Test subjects who dreamed about a challenging task performed it better than those who didn't have such dreams.

This newly discovered link between dreaming and learning gives insight into why humans bother sleeping at all. The study is thought to be the first to show "the relationship between dreaming and function in the outside world," said senior researcher Robert Stickgold of Harvard Medical School.

While dreams have always mystified mankind, scientists have been equally curious about sleep. Speaking in terms of evolution and an uncivilized culture hundreds of years ago, "It is dangerous to go to sleep," Stickgold says. Unconscious beings lying flat on their backs are especially prone to attack, he pointed out.

So why have we evolved to spend a third of our lives sleeping?

Previous research has shown that sleep benefits the immune and endocrine systems, but it hasn't been clear that sleep, in and of itself, is necessary. Resting quietly may be enough to meet these needs, Stickgold told LiveScience's Robin Nixon.

Sleep, however, might affect the brain in a way that no other state can equal, suggests the study published in the most recent issue of the journal Current Biology. The effect is likely critical for learning and making sense of life -- skills worth sleeping for, scientists think.

During the study, 99 participants were taught to navigate a virtual maze on a computer screen. Half were then allowed to nap for two hours, while the other half remained awake. Later that day, all participants were re-tested on the maze task.

Those who reported dreaming about the maze significantly improved their performance. They did better than people who had slept, but did not dream. And better than those who stayed awake rehearsing the task in their minds. Specifically, the dreamers bettered their performance more than six times the improvements of all other participants.

Instead of simply rehashing the maze experience, participants described dreams that made broad associations between mazes and other aspects of their lives -- like recalling an experience exploring bat caves or seeing their future job application process depicted with maze-like features.

"Every day, we are gathering and encountering tremendous amounts of information and new experiences," said lead researcher Erin Wamsley, also of Harvard Medical School, in a press statement. "It would seem that our dreams are asking the question, 'How do I use this information to inform my life?'"

Sleeping essentially lets the chaos of life sink in so we can make sense of it. A study earlier this year found that even naps boost learning.

Stickgold explains that we can't really process one stream of information at the same time taking in another one, making sleep necessary. He says, "It may be that for every two hours we are awake, it takes our brain an hour to process that information, so we need eight hours of sleep a night."

He goes on to suggest that in order to remember something in particular, like the lines of a play or formulas for an exam, it might help to study right before dozing, whether that means studying late at night or napping right after a cram session.

And if you can get yourself to dream about the material, you are at a particular advantage. Unfortunately, "dream content is notoriously hard to control," Stickgold said. The non-conscious brain "has its own rules," and focuses on whatever it deems most important, he added.

So your best bet for inducing an exam-acing dream is convincing yourself (and your brain) that the material truly matters, though this type of dream control is easier for some people than others.

While some scientists have previously brushed off theories that dreams have meaning, Stickgold says dreams aren't random. "In dreams, we are seeing the brain's calculation of 'Do I care' and 'Why do I care?'" he explained.

The brain is also making associations between new information and past experiences. Stickgold appreciates the brilliance of the human brain in its ability to take learning in one area and apply it to another. He believes that sleep may be critical for this level of understanding to occur.

By reflecting the brain's effort to prioritize information and make associations, Stickgold said, "dreaming may be part of the process that creates the meaning of our lives."

[Research by John Tesh]

Grief Support Group Meets in Fort Payne, Alabama

2010-05-03T15:54:00.004-05:00

The DeKalb Grief Support Group meets the first and third Tuesday of every month at 6:30 PM at the Fort Payne Chamber of Commerce. This is a community service with no cost to attendees. The public is invited.

For more information, CLICK HERE for a PDF document, or CLICK HERE to connect with the Grief Support Group Blog.

The next meeting is Tuesday, May 4, 2010 at 6:30 PM. See you there!

Sex Therapy for Women with Low Libido

2010-05-01T20:40:00.004-05:00

According to a group of new studies, young women between the ages of 18 and 30 are suffering from low libido at rates never seen before: 43% of women have sexual problems, they say. And 1 in 10 women doesn't want to have sex at all, trumpeted a recent ABC News story.

The weird part isn't the fact that women are reporting what experts like to call "sexual dysfunction," but that women this young are: Usually we think of sexual issues as the stuff that plagues the over-40 set.

But sexperts are now blaming 20-somethings with low libido on everything from stress (we're worried about our jobs/working longer hours) to birth control/antidepressants (both are potent chemical cocktails that can make lust dry up).

We also know that desire tends to decrease in long-term relationships, so you can be young and healthy and fit, but you could still experience a decrease in desire the longer you stay with someone, whether you're a woman or a man. Also, recently, because we have such a focus on desire and so many discussions about low libido, we have a lot more women questioning if their desire is at the right level. We're seeing a lot more distress than we used to.

The entertainment industry could be partly to blame. We see people that are always ready to have sex in movies and television, as if sex is always the number one priority in people's lives. But we know that's just not the case, and it shouldn't be. Worrying about work and school take precedence. Those stresses of life take their toll on sleep and eating and stress -- and also sex.

Is there a link between birth control and low sexual desire?

Some studies have found that a portion of women, not all, do experience lower sexual desire after they start the birth control pill. Unfortunately, a lot of researchers have tried to do more on this but have been unsuccessful in getting funding because, as you can imagine, there hasn't been a lot of interest from pharmaceutical companies to investigate this since they make those products.

What about women who take antidepressants?

We know that for some women on antidepressants, sexual problems are a common side effect, including difficulty with orgasm.

And how much do you think the inability to orgasm is related to low sexual desire?

It can be linked, but there are certainly many women who enjoy sex whether or not they have an orgasm, which is hard for a lot of men to grasp. If you're a woman who is used to having orgasms or for whom orgasms are important, and you don't have one, then desire might be affected next time you have sex. But, also, sex might not be pleasurable if you don't feel connected to your partner. And on average, women have lower sex drives than men, and sometimes that leads to what they feel is 'duty sex' or obligation sex, and it starts this cycle of dread. Overall, there can be lots of reasons why you lose desire.

What advice do you give women who are suffering from low libido?

I often ask women if it is a problem for them or a problem because they think they are disappointing their partner. They should also look at what's changed in their lives: Am I tired? Am I stressed? Did I just have a baby? Often lifestyle behaviors are very strongly related to sex, but we really undervalue that. If you think your partner wants it more than you, talk to your partner. Sometimes he doesn't know, and it's fine. You can do something else together.

As far as what you can do, there's some more research that mindfulness techniques can help. Women are very prone to cognitive distractions -- worrying about the laundry, worrying about the kids, worrying about school, instead of focusing on sex. Instead, you should focus on how the sheets feel on your skin, how your partner's skin and hair smells and how it feels to kiss them and touch them. Really focusing on those things can help you find the desire in sex again.

There's also research on storytelling techniques. Sometimes when our partner's approach us we think, "Oh no, he wants sex again. All he ever wants is sex." And that's a negative story. But if you can replace that with a positive story like, "He thinks I'm so hot, he can't resist himself,' we find that those positive sexy stories can help women feel in the mood.

There's still a lot of talk about the female Viagra. What about taking a drug that claims to increase desire?

For a portion of women, medication might be helpful if nothing else really works. But I think it'd be a mistake if drugs were the first line of treatment because we have decades of knowledge that sex therapy works well and more cognitive techniques can work. Mostly these things are about relationships: If you don't feel loved or desired or special to your partner or they are condescending towards you, a pill is not going to work.

People Going Through Divorce and Separation Find Hope, Help and Healing

2010-04-29T21:11:00.002-05:00

People hurting from the pain of separation or divorce receive practical help and teaching at DivorceCare support groups. Nearly 13,000 churches across the US, Canada and several other countries around the world have been equipped to offer these life-changing groups.

DivorceCare groups meet in 13-week cycles throughout the year. People in the aftermath of a marital breakup can begin attending at any time. “People facing the trauma of divorce need help right away,” said Steve Grissom, founder and president of DivorceCare/Church Initiative. “With DivorceCare, the emergency room is always open.”

Grissom understands the need for DivorceCare. He created this program in 1993 after experiencing the pain of his own divorce.

And in an age where bad advice is passed off as wisdom, DivorceCare offers teaching based on ageless truths found in the Bible. This Christ-centered material works from the heart of the issue out, guiding participants to true healing and hope.

DivorceCare group participants gain counsel and encouragement through video teaching, small group discussion and weekly scripture study. Each group session includes a 35-minute video presentation featuring insights from respected Christian experts on divorce-related topics. Participants then spend time in discussion with other people who truly understand the tough issues of divorce and separation.

Topics discussed include:

How to recognize, face and cope with difficult emotions (such as loneliness, anger, bitterness, depression, shame)
Financial survival
How to help your children through the changes
The possibility of reconciliation
What to do about new relationships
Experiencing God’s comfort and help

“I began to heal rapidly, and I owe it all to DivorceCare!” exclaimed a participant in Iowa.

Many churches that offer DivorceCare also have a special group for children of divorce or separation, called DivorceCare for Kids. DC4K offers games, music, videos, crafts and more. Each aspect of DC4K is designed to help children identify and cope with their emotions and learn to communicate concerns with their parents.

“When DC4K and DivorceCare are run in tandem, it means that a family can begin healing together,” said Linda, a church ministry director in Ohio.

To find a nearby group, go to www.divorcecare.org/?healing and enter a zip/postal code, city or country. To find a group for children ages 5–12, visit www.dc4k.org/?healing.

(Source: Christian Newswire)

Becoming One in Marriage

2010-04-23T09:53:00.003-05:00

There is a fine line between becoming one with your mate and still maintaining your God-given identity. It's challenging, but even more so if you're new to married life. If this is your story, maybe you're asking, "What does it mean to become one, and how do my spouse and I actually do it?"

Does a husband pursue his career over his wife's desire to move to another state for a once-in-a-lifetime job offer? Should a wife go out once a week with her girlfriends while her husband stays at home with the children? And how do they realistically merge their finances, possessions and time?

True Love Seminar - Part 1

2010-03-31T22:33:00.000-05:00

True Love - Part 2

2010-03-31T22:32:00.002-05:00

True Love - Part 3

2010-03-31T22:32:00.001-05:00

True Love - Part 4

2010-03-31T22:31:00.001-05:00

True Love - Part 5

2010-03-31T22:29:00.001-05:00

True Love - Part 6

2010-03-31T22:28:00.001-05:00

True Love - Part 7

2010-03-31T22:26:00.000-05:00

True Love - Part 8

2010-03-31T22:25:00.001-05:00

Are the kids better off if we divorce?

2010-03-31T21:12:00.000-05:00

Are the kids better off if we divorce? from MarriageToday on Vimeo.

DeKalb County Grief Support Group

2010-03-17T00:36:00.003-05:00

The DeKalb County Alabama Grief Support meets the first and third Tuesday of every month at 6:30 PM at the Fort Payne Chamber of Commerce offices. The public is invited.

How to help a family member who is addicted.

2010-03-15T03:53:00.002-05:00

Fighting addiction can be a daunting, overwhelming and depressing battle. And, at the end of it all- only the addict themselves can, indeed, be in control. But that doesn't mean that you, as a loved family member or friend, can't help.

Interventionist Brad Lamm offers this advice to families who may be waiting for a loved one to hit rock bottom before they step in to help.

People who change rarely do so in a vacuum. They change with the support of others. Add to the mix a compulsive behavior that has a real physiological jolt to it—a rush, a high or a numbing out—and it's even that much harder again to begin change.

When it comes to facing a family member's addiction, like frogs, we come to accept greater and greater compromises until it becomes the easy way to live. We lull ourselves into thinking: "Tiger's okay. It's better lately." That thinking must stop and be replaced by this truth: "We will wait no longer nor try to beat the heat. We will act now in love, with purpose and a plan."

In Lamm's How to Change Someone You Love, his purpose was to turn the whole idea of change on its head and help Frogs jump and Tigers talk. Whether teaching or intervening, Lamm challenges families to start this process of change by jumping out of the increasingly costly situations they find themselves in.

The next step is that they throw out the myths that have kept them stuck in indecision in the first place:

Myth 1: He Has to Hit Bottom - The notion of hitting bottom is a lie. One compulsive addict Lamm had worked with described his urge to engage in his addictive behavior as all consuming. "I don't think straight for days at a time; it's like I'm crazy." He's in an altered state from it- a common occurrence- whatever the behavior. Why would we wait for him to think his way out of the problem? We don't need to. With some behavior, a "bottom" that people wait to hit is often someone, perhaps a spouse, or even a stranger, to get hurt. You can decide where the bottom is. You need not sink any further.

Myth 2: You Can't Change Someone - We are wonderful, adaptable, changeable creatures—and love is the greatest motivation of all for change. More than fear or danger. Love.

When Lamm takes an initial call from someone struggling to help a loved one, he all-too-often also hears the fear surrounding the myth that you can't change someone. It becomes his work to blow that lie out of the water. Lamm states, "If you care about someone who has a self-destructive problem, you are not powerless. In fact, the greatest power you have is the connectedness you have with your loved one. The human brain behaves like a 2-year old—tell it what to do, and it pushes back."

Instead, Lamm advises, invite your loved one into a family meeting. Combat the denial, the confusion and pain with love and your eyewitness accounts of the situation, and you're off to a strong start. Secrets and fear suck the oxygen out of the room when trying to enable change.

Fall into hope and love. It will serve you best.

Myth 3: You Can't Help Someone Unless He's Ready - Finally, Lamm challenges the myth that you cannot help someone begin change unless he's ready as nonsense. Through a loving invitation to change and family intervention, an addict can be helped to get ready.

While we may not agree with everything Lamm says, it at least challenges us to do something now.

Ways to Cope With Stress and be More Happy

2010-03-15T03:41:00.004-05:00

Take More Restroom Breaks - There's a reason it's called the restroom: It's the one place — at work or at home — where no one will bother you. If you're overwhelmed, steal away for a five-minute meditation break. Inhale deeply into your belly and try to focus on your breathing. You'll emerge calmer, and maybe even more productive. Research shows that meditation can improve your ability to concentrate.

Show Up Five Minutes Early - Everyone knows the feeling: You're running late, stuck in traffic, glancing at your watch every 30 seconds in frustration. Give yourself extra time to get wherever you need to go. Being an early bird will kill stress by giving you more control over your day and your commitments.

Change Your Stress Eating - The best stress-quashing foods are made by Mother Nature, not Baskin-Robbins. Berries are naturally rich in vitamin C, which helps fight increased levels of cortisol, a stress hormone. A handful of pistachios can lower your blood pressure, which means less of a spike when you get that next rush of adrenaline.

Quit Stress Drinking - Yes, a few cocktails can relax you, but alcohol also prevents your brain from entering stages of deep sleep. And sleep and stress are bound together: Chronic stress can keep you up at night, and a lack of sleep can also lead to further stress. Limit yourself to no more than one drink a night.

Get Your Heart Pumping - Stress makes your body spew out two hormones: cortisol and adrenaline. These chemicals put your body into fight-or-flight mode, ratcheting up your energy level and causing your heart to pound and your muscles to tense. Exercise gives you an outlet to release some of that tension. A good workout also increases your levels of "feel-good" chemicals called endorphins.

Make It a Comedy Night - Researchers say that merely anticipating a laugh can jump-start healthy changes in the body by reducing levels of stress hormones, which have been linked to conditions like obesity, heart disease, and memory impairment, to name just a few.

Enjoy the Company of Friends - Socializing releases oxytocin, a chemical that can help combat stress hormones and lower your blood pressure. Whether it's spending time with dog lovers, book club buddies, or siblings — whatever group you like — just knowing you're not alone can go a long way toward coping with stress.

[research by the John Tesh staff]

7 Quick Ways To Calm Down

2010-03-09T10:20:00.004-06:00

Anxiety zappers that can rescue you from daily stresses:

1. Walk Away - Know your triggers. If a conversation about global warming, consumerism, or the trash crisis in the U.S. is overwhelming you, simply excuse yourself. If you're noise-sensitive and the scene at Toys-R-Us makes you want to throw whistling Elmo and his buddies across the store, tell your kids you need a time-out. (Bring along your husband or a friend so you can leave them safely, if need be.)

2. Close Your Eyes - Gently let the world disappear, and go within to regain your equilibrium.

3. Find Some Solitude - This can be challenging if you are at work, or at home with kids as creative and energetic as mine. But we all need some private time to let the nervous system regenerate.

4. Go Outside - Experience the wind and the sun.

5. Find some water - Water helps in many ways. When over-aroused, keep drinking it – a big glass of it once an hour. Walk beside some water, look at it, listen to it. Get into some if you can, for a bath or a swim. Hot tubs and hot springs are popular for good reasons.

6. Breathe Deeply - Breathing is the foundation of sanity, because it is the way we provide our brain and every other vital organ in our body with the oxygen needed for us to survive. Breathing also eliminates toxins from our systems.

7. Listen to Music - Across the ages, music has been used to soothe and relax. "Softly, deftly, music shall caress you, Feel it, hear it, secretly possess you...."

[By Therese J. Borchard, Beliefnet]

Job 23:10-11

2010-03-03T01:23:00.000-06:00

A Marriage Prayer

2010-02-20T12:25:00.005-06:00

Lord, help us remember when we first met and the strong Love that grew between us.

To work that Love into practical things so nothing can divide us.

We ask for words both kind and loving, and for hearts always ready to ask for forgiveness as well as to forgive.

Dear Lord, we put our marriage into your hands.

We pray this Marriage Prayer in the name of Jesus Christ, - AMEN.

[from Revitalize Your Church by Mark O. Wilson]

Grief Support Group in Fort Payne

2010-02-18T11:41:00.001-06:00

[Click on image to enlarge.]

Is Distance Healthy in a Relationship?

2010-02-03T08:04:00.005-06:00

The most powerful feelings of love seem to require distance. Love feels most poignant and exquisite when there is longing. Agree?

When people are in a solid, settled relationship, doesn’t the intensity of the love experience fade? And if so, why?

Art and literature are full of this same idea. How many more poems and stories and songs are written about longing and desire and painful, troubled love, as compared to those about contented, stress-free monogamy?

Is this because love is just so hard to get right?

Or is there something about the human psyche that often wants love to be hard? … something that wants and needs and creates that distance?

Freud thought that our heads contain all sorts of repressed urges and dark needs, which cause us to do harmful, self-defeating things. Looking at the choices people make in love and the painful relationships they often endure, it sure seems like Freud was right.

But I’ve learned to look for the underlying logic in the relationships people choose. I’ve come to believe that when there’s distance in a relationship, that distance isn’t an accident. The distance is serving some purpose.

Distance allows room for fantasy.
Distance protects privacy.
Distance makes it possible to indulge, at least temporarily, in a mismatched or otherwise futureless relationship.
Distance may feel safer; it may be an attempt at getting love without risking too much.
Distance may feel familiar; it may be what you’re used to.

Can you think of other purposes?

Want Better Sleep?

2010-01-26T13:12:00.003-06:00

Then maybe you need to get back to the basics. Remember when you were growing up your parents had a bedtime routine for you that was meant to be calming, and conducive to sleep? As a grown up, though, there's a lot you could be doing to de-rail your good night's rest.

An estimated 65 percent of Americans said they encounter sleep problems a few nights each week, according to a recent study by the National Sleep Foundation. Sleeping too little is linked with an increased risk for obesity and depression. But before you reach for a sleep aid from the nearest pharmacy, take a closer look at your nighttime routine. Some of your favorite evening rituals could be responsible for that tossing and turning. Time to get filled in, as well as turn the problem around from Marie Claire's Danielle Schloffel:

Going from Night Owl to Early Bird

Who says bedtime is just for kids? Take extra care to maintain your sleep schedule, especially on the weekends. The body responds to routine. If your bedtime is sporadic—11 p.m. some nights, 1 a.m. others—your mind won't be properly prepared to snooze on the weekdays. Another tip? If you like to stay up late and sleep in on the weekends- fine! Just do so on one night- Friday. Go to bed at a normal "weekday" time on Saturday, with maybe just a little additional time to sleep in Sunday (maybe half an hour), so that your body can adjust itself back to the weekday routine come Sunday night/Monday morning.

Bringing Books to Bed

Reading before bed is a habit for many. For some, it causes no problems in falling asleep. It could be that you hit the sack early enough to allow a certain number of chapters before it's time to sleep. That's good! No problem. But for others - a favorite literary masterpiece is keeping you up way too late. Problem is, your body has likely adapted to the routine of reading—it won't go to sleep until you've logged a couple chapters. If your favorite novel is interfering with your sleep, retreat to a comfy couch or window nook instead for your literary fix. Keep the bed for sleeping.

Facebooking into the Wee Hours

The brightness of your computer screen stimulates the brain. Plus, it's difficult for your mind to stop fretting about your digital to-do list, even after you've logged off. Avoid late-night surfing and shut down your computer. Give yourself time to wind down without any electronics - cell phones and iPods, included.

Skimping on a Good Bed

A good mattress will cost you anywhere from $500 to more than $3,000. Consider it money well spent. A decent mattress—do your homework!—will give you a more restful sleep. The same is true for quality bedding and pillows. Opt for a soft pillow if you're a back or stomach sleeper. Buy a firmer pillow if you sleep on your side.

Setting a Bright Alarm Clock

The looming glare of your alarm clock can be distracting when trying to sleep. The goal is to have as dark a room as possible. Block the bright numbers with a book or consider buying a small travel clock. Your cell phone alarm may also do the trick, and it provides a good time to re-charge it through the night.

Counting Sheep

When you just can't fall asleep, it's useless to stay in bed. If you've been trying to fall asleep for more than 30 minutes, the National Sleep Foundation suggests doing something mundane, like balancing a checkbook, reading or watching TV. An activity that demands marginal brainpower will lull your mind. Before you know it, you'll be crawling back into bed genuinely tired. Clean out something low-priority, like the sock drawer- that should be dull enough.

Exercising Late at Night

Daytime workouts will keep you invigorated for hours. That's why you don't want to exercise within three hours of hitting the sack. Intense physical activity raises your body temperature and pumps your energy level—both interrupt a calm transition into sleep.

Think today about how you can incorporate some of these ideas if you've been struggling with your sleep, and you'll be ready to try some over the weekend.

[From John Tesh]

Should I Get a Divorce?

2010-01-15T10:51:00.003-06:00

No couple goes into marriage thinking they'll be the ones who won't make it. Certainly, at your wedding, you thought you were promising a love that would last a lifetime. Now, for reasons you may not fully understand, that dream seems shattered.

As you try to understand the pain and determine what to do, divorce may look like an appealing way out. "After all," you might reason, "life is full of second chances. Perhaps I simply married the wrong person, and Mr. or Ms. Right is still out there somewhere." You may think you were too young when you married, or that you never really loved your spouse. Or maybe you are just tired of the arguing, tired of the lack of communication, tired of the coldness in your relationship. Perhaps you simply want out – period. Or maybe you are hoping against hope that your marriage can be salvaged.

Before you bail out of your marriage, carefully consider what you'll be diving into. Most people are not prepared for the challenges of post-divorce life.

This article is designed to help you understand the effects of divorce before you make that choice, to give insight into what you – and your children – will face. By providing solid facts, we hope to help you make a more informed decision.

Be encouraged that no matter how hopeless it seems, there's a possibility your marriage can be saved. It's our sincere desire that your marriage will be transformed into the loving relationship you hoped it would be when you first said, "I do."

Read More ...

Who Gets Divorced?

How Would Divorce Affect Me?

How Could Divorce Affect My Kids?

Is There Hope for My Marriage?

How Should a Christian View Marriage and Divorce?

Dealing With the Bigger Problems in Marriage

Dr. Bill Maier on Divorce

Next Steps / Related Information

[by Amy Desai, J.D.]

5 Things NOT to Worry About in Therapy

2010-01-06T12:27:00.003-06:00

Psychotherapy is full of both extraordinary potential benefits and some possible pitfalls. But there are some things in psychotherapy that you just shouldn’t spend too much time worrying about. They may seem important or worth worrying about, but it’s just a waste of your time, energy and focus. Here’s a few of them.

1. My therapist is judging me.

A lot of patients spend a lot of time worrying about what their therapist must think of them. That’s because you spend a lot of time sharing deep, emotional and personal stuff in therapy. Some of it may be embarrassing, or some of it may simply be out of the mainstream. Some of it may be things that happened to you as a child, that you had no control of. No matter what it is, you shouldn’t worry that your therapist is judging you. Believe it or not, most psychotherapists have seen and heard a lot of things in their careers. No matter what your story may be, it’s likely they’ve heard or seen worse.

One of the responsibilities and skills of a good therapist is to remain nonjudgmental, no matter their own personal reactions or feelings. Therapists who act or talk in a judgmental manner should be avoided.

2. Sometimes I just don’t know what to say or talk about.

You’re not alone. Virtually anyone who’s tried therapy has experienced a session where they feel hard pressed to come up with a topic to discuss. Some people — and some therapists — try and fill the void with small talk, or socializing. While this is fine if it happens on occasion, it should never be the focus of an entire session (or any significant portion of a session).

Silence is okay. Silence may be awkward at first, but it’s okay. While not every session should be full of many minutes of passing silence, it’s okay to sit quietly while you try and compose your thoughts. It’s also okay to not know what to talk about every session. That’s a normal and natural part of most psychotherapy. A good therapist will help you through this part, and in any case, it’s not something that should cause you much concern.

3. I’m not interesting enough — my therapist must be bored!

You don’t enter psychotherapy to entertain your therapist. While some people may believe they should have "interesting" things to talk about every session, that’s just not a realistic expectation — nor one that your therapist holds. You are there to get help for a specific mental health or relationship problem. Sometimes the conversations you’ll need to engage in to resolve that problem may not be very interesting. But they are all important, and you should recognize that "entertainment value" is not usually high on the list of the reasons psychotherapists enter the profession.

4. Should I know how this works? Should I feel the changes as they take place?

Psychotherapy is not like medications. You take an aspirin for a headache and the headache goes away. You go to a session of psychotherapy and you don’t immediately feel your pain relieved, your depression disappear, or your anxiety take a hike. Psychotherapy takes longer, and sometimes it’s hard to be patient, week after week of sessions.

You won’t know exactly how therapy works or when the changes will take place, as they will take place gradually, often in subtle ways. You may not feel them the same way you feel relief from a headache. You shouldn’t worry too much about this, as the process simply takes time and patience.

5. My therapist watches the clock.

Your therapist wears many hats, and one of those is as a small business person. Their commodity is time, and you’re paying for a portion of that commodity. Your therapist may indeed check the clock once in awhile because it’s in their best interests to do so and end your session on time. But surprisingly, it’s also in your best interests, too. By keeping your sessions on schedule, your therapist is also demonstrating and keeping good boundaries. The ability to keep good therapeutic boundaries is one of the indicators of a good therapist — someone who’s more likely able to help you.

So don’t be too concerned or worried if you catch your therapist glancing at the clock. It may be a little distracting, but it doesn’t mean your therapist cares any less about you. They’re just keeping the relationship professional and focused.

[By John M Grohol, PsyD]

New Year's Resolutions

2010-01-05T11:22:00.002-06:00

To be in better health, consider the following"

Health:

Drink plenty of water.
Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy/
Make time to pray.
Play more games.
Read more books than you did in 2009.
Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
Sleep for 7 hours.
Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:

Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
Don't have negative thoughts nor worry about things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
Don't over do. Set and keep healthy boundaries.
Don't take yourself too seriously. No one else does.
Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
Dream more while you are awake.
Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner of His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
No one is in charge of your happiness except you. Own your emotions.
Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
Smile and laugh more.
You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:

Call your family often.
Each day give something good to others.
Forgive everyone for everything.
Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
Try to make at least three people smile each day.
What other people think of you is none of your business.
Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:

Do the right thing!
Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
GOD heals everything.
However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
The best is yet to come.
When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
Be happy.

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T00:37:00.002-06:00

When You Are Separated From Those You Love

2009-12-20T03:00:00.003-06:00

"But the Lord stood at my side ...." 2 Timothy 4:17 (NIV)

The Christmas holidays tend to magnify the loneliness we feel when we're separated from the ones we love. Many of us have lost our roots, or never had any to begin with, and that can cause loneliness. We can experience the loneliness of separation because of military service, or a career, or an illness.

But the Bible tells us what we can do about our loneliness --

Focus on the needs of others - Get your eyes off yourself and focus outward. Look at how you can serve other people. The Apostle Paul focused on telling more people about Jesus: "But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it" (2 Timothy 4:17 NIV).

Focus on your purpose - Even when the Apostle Paul was isolated in a prison, he never stopped living out his purpose. He wanted everybody to know about God's love.

When you're lonely - Stop building walls and start building bridges! Instead of saying, "I'm so lonely," say, "Father, help me be a friend to people who need a friend. Help me to help lonely people." That is the antidote for loneliness.

You can help others become rich in relationships by giving them the gift of YOU.

[Rick Warren]

Tips on Dating

2009-12-13T23:44:00.002-06:00

Rule #1: Listen to Your Gut

Whether you’re on a date, communicating with someone you meet online, or flirting with a cutie you meet in person, it’s important to pay attention and listen to your gut. If a potential date’s actions or words set off an internal alarm system, you owe it to yourself to pay attention and act accordingly. These alarms can be both good and bad. For example, how about if you’ve met someone online and they seem interesting- enough to talk on the phone, right? But then you talk to them on the phone and they sound completely different (in a negative way)- you may decide not to meet them in person. A positive example would be if you were on a date with someone and they seemed nervous but well intentioned, your gut might tell you to give them a second chance. By going on a second date, you’ll gain a better understanding of who they really are and if you’d like to see them again.

Rule #2: Pay Attention to Red Flags

Like those internal alarms that alert you to your gut feelings, you also have an alarm system to alert you to red flags. Sometimes this alarm system is turned way down. As a result, we often ignore red flags and find ourselves getting involved with inappropriate partners because we’re not paying attention. Wrong move- you owe it to yourself to become a red flag specialist- especially on a date. An example of a red flag would be if you found yourself on a date with someone who could not stop talking about their ex. They may be a fantastic person, and eventually make a great partner, but right now they’re not ready. Your job is to pay attention to that red flag and not pursue them.

Rule #3: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

During the course of your dating life you'll most likely find yourself on a date with someone whose actions speak much louder than their words. Maybe they’re attentive and chivalrous to you, but treat the waiter, bartender, and/or valet poorly. Or maybe they claim they’re ready for a long-term relationship, but their wandering eye tells you otherwise. To get the most out of your dating life, it’s important to understand that actions speak louder than words. When someone’s actions are contrary to their words, this is not only a red flag, it’s gut-check time. By paying attention and screening out potential partners whose actions don’t match their words, you cut down on wasted dating time and make it that much easier to attract potential partners worth your time and energy.

Rule #4: Don’t Play Games

Successful singles know what goes around comes around. They also know the importance of being honest and well-intentioned with the people they date. As a successful single, you owe it to yourself and the individuals you date not to play games. Call when you say you’re going to call. Do what you say you’re going to do, and be honest when the other person asks if you’d like to go out again. If you don’t want to see them again, say so in a kind and considerate way. By being honest and letting them down easy, you avoid playing games. Expect the same in return. If you don’t get it, don’t play games by taking that out on the next person you date.

Rule #5: Know When to Say “Game Over”

Just as you should not play dating games, you will want to avoid getting played. Like it or not, there are plenty of players on the dating scene. It’s up to you to know the signs of the player, know their game, and be confident enough to say “game over.” Here’s where that all important "gut-check" pays off- know how to spot a player. A little too charming? A little too self-deprecating? A player wants to engage you in the game. So call it for what it is, and instead of falling for their tactics, simply smile, say “game over,” and walk (better yet, run!) away.

[Research by John Tesh]

Footprints in the Sand

2009-12-11T01:59:00.003-06:00

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,

other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when I was suffering from

anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you,

you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during

the most trying periods of my life

there have only been one

set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most,

you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,

“The times when you have

seen only one set of footprints in the sand,

is when I carried you.”

by Mary Stevenson

Men's Brain -- Women's Brain

2009-12-04T03:09:00.000-06:00

New Web Site

2009-12-01T02:03:00.001-06:00

Check out our new web site at http://sites.google.com/site/relationshipclinic/.

There you will find information about counseling services in Fort Payne, Alabama and Tuscaloosa, Alabama.

8 Ways to Help Your Bipolar Loved One Cope

2009-11-30T12:17:00.003-06:00

Depression and bipolar disorder are family diseases. Everyone who shares a kitchen and a bathroom is affected. In fact, in his book Understanding Depression, J. Raymond DePaulo Jr., M.D., writes, "Depression ... has a much greater impact on marital life than rheumatoid arthritis or cardiac illness. One study found that only severe forms of cancer affected a family as adversely as depression or bipolar disorder.

1. Educate Yourself - Education is always the starting point. Because until the spouse or daughter or friend of a manic-depressive understands the illness, it is impossible for them to to say or do the right thing to be supportive. Do your own research by going online.

2. Learn How--and When--to Talk - As a spouse, you shouldn't say much when your loved one is clutching tissues, crying their eyes out. And you should be hesitant to speak when they are manic (not that they would let you get a word in). But when they don't want to get out of bed in the morning, you should remind them why they need to. And when they are revved up, you should be the voice of reason telling them why, for example, a spontaneous trip to New York isn't smart.

3. Make Some Rules - You know all the fire drills in primary school you prayed would happen during your pop math quiz? All those times the school administrators rehearsed what, exactly, would happen in the case of an emergency? Families of bipolar persons need those as well: plans of action for those times when the bipolar person is sick. In order to design such a strategy, the manic depressive and their loved one must compile a list of symptoms -- the equivalents of the smoke and burning smell of a fire -- and what action should accompany each, like "call the doctor." Each family will have a different list of symptoms and a different model of recovery, because no two illnesses are exactly alike.

4. Plan Even More - As part of your plan of action, you should consider what should happen when the bipolar person is very ill. "When you are dealing with a disease that has the potential to become life-threatening, the last thing you want is an improvised response to an emergency situation," writes Francis Mark Mondimore, M.D. in his book Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families.

5. Listen - "When people are talking," writes Rachel Naomi Remen, 'there's no need to do anything but receive them. Just take them in. Listen to what they're saying. Care about it. Most times caring about it is even more important than understanding it."

6. Go Gentle - A little kindness and gentleness toward your loved one -- especially at those times when the bipolar person feels incapable of affection and care -- go a long way to aid recovery.

7. Laugh Together - Humor heals in so many ways. It combats fear as it loosens anxiety's death grip on your heart and every other living organ. It comforts and relaxes. And recent studies indicate that humor also reduces pain and boosts a person's immune system. "Laughter dissolves tension, stress, anxiety, irritation, anger, grief, and depression," says Chuck Gallozzi of personal-development.com. "Like crying, laughter lowers inhibitions, allowing the release of pent-up emotions. After a hearty bout of laughter, you will experience a sense of well-being. Simply put, he who laughs, lasts. After all, if you can laugh at it, you can live with it. Remember, a person without a sense of humor is like a car without shock absorbers." Humor also aids communication, and if there is one thing besides education that is absolutely essential for a healthy relationship with a bipolar loved one, it's strong communication.

8. Support Yourself - Caregiving is draining. Even when you are protecting yourself with the armor of regular sleep, healthy meals, and essential time-outs from your bipolar loved one, caring for a person still takes a toll on both physical and mental health. "It can be exhausting to live with a hypomanic person and frustrating to deal with a seriously depressed person day after day," says Dr. Mondimore. "The changes and unpredictability of the moods of someone with bipolar disorder intrude into home life and can be the source of severe stress in relationships, straining them to breaking point." That's why you need support as much as your loved one. You need to talk to people who have lived with a manic-depressive, and be validated by their experiences. Spouses and family members of bipolar people should consider therapy for themselves, as a way of processing all the stress. You may also benefit from checking out support programs for spouses and loved ones of the mentally ill, like from the National Alliance for Mental Illness.

[by Therese J. Borchard]

Ten Ways to Help a Friend's Struggling Marriage

2009-11-26T21:49:00.004-06:00

It's common to know someone whose marriage is in trouble and to be unsure how to help. These 10 practical tips will help you get started helping others.

Pray for them by name. Ask God to intervene in their marriage. Ask God to give you and others wisdom to know how to help. Pray in their presence as well as when alone. Send emails and note cards of encouragement.
Listen. Listening doesn't mean simply hearing. It involves empathizing, seeking to understand and expressing genuine interest.
Don't give advice. Your main job is listening. Leave the advice giving to a pastor, counselor or mentor.
Don't make the problem worse. Don't allow your support to be seen as an encouragement to give up or get a divorce. Your job is to help steer them toward the proper help and reconciliation (If addiction or abuse is involved, make sure they get the professional help they need and are safe).
Help them think outside the divorce box. Booklets such as When Your Marriage Needs Help, Should I Get a Divorce, and Marriage and Conflict can give couples both research and practical advice to help them consider the facts about divorce and how to get the help they need for their marriage.
Help them find the right help. Locate a good, licensed Christian counselor in their area. Ask your pastor or Christian M.D. for a referral. Focus on the Family offers a free counseling consult as well as a free referral service to a Focus-screened marriage therapist.
Connect them with a mentor couple. If you are not qualified to help, call your pastor to recommend an older couple who is willing to mentor a younger couple.
Refer them to helpful Web sites. Web sites such as TroubledWith, Pure Intimacy and www.FocusOnTheFamily.com offer hundreds of articles, practical advice and resource recommendations on various marriage issues. Focus also offers a Marriage Forum designed to give couples a safe place to talk about struggles and successes in their marriage.
Encourage them to work on their problems and not simply expect them to be solved on their own. Focus On The Family offers an online Marriage Checkup which measures over 18 major areas of marriage -- identifying both strengths and weaknesses.
Refer them to solid Christian-based books and seminars. Many are available through Amazon and Focus On The Family. Key resources like Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved, Love and Respect, Love Must Be Tough, First Five Years of Marriage, Help! We are Drifting Apart, Breaking the Cycle of Divorce, Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage and others can provide needed encouragement and direction.

Reduce Your Worry About Cancer

2009-11-22T12:32:00.003-06:00

Little lifestyle changes can lower your odds of hearing the dreaded diagnosis - "cancer." Slip these practices into your routine and worry less.

Stay Weight Wise

Excess pounds boost cancer risk, a study in The Lancet shows. Build an exercise habit now to head off trouble: The American Cancer Society (ACS) recommends aiming for 30 minutes of activity five days a week.

When you hit your 45th birthday, make sure you're also doing 45 minutes of strength training twice weekly to minimize metabolic slowdown. "Beginning in our mid-40s, we lose up to a third of a pound of muscle a year and gain it back as fat, and fat burns fewer calories than muscle," says Miriam Nelson, Ph.D., director of Tufts University John Hancock Center for Physical Activity and Nutrition in Boston.

Nibble a Bit of Chocolate

Hooray - an excuse (except - you don't need one!) Researchers have discovered a compound in dark chocolate that fights fast-growing cancers such as colorectal cancer. "It requires the activity of an enzyme called kinase, which causes cancerous cells to die but leaves normal cells alone," says Richard Pestell, M.D., director of the Kimmel Cancer Center at Thomas Jefferson University in Philadelphia. The finding could even lead to adding chocolate to current cancer treatments.

Practice Peace

Say ahhh! High levels of the stress hormone cortisol may inhibit a key gene from suppressing tumor growth, findings in the journal Genes, Chromosomes & Cancer suggest. Tame tension with this formula from the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center Healthy Lifestyle Program:

- Take deep belly breaths. You slow and elongate brain waves, bringing on calm.

- Watch your favorite comedy. Enjoying a good laugh activates the areas of the brain that govern humor, in turn suppressing the brain's stress regions.

- Adopt an uplifting mantra. Try "I love my life!" and repeat it when you're happy. You will train your mind to associate the phrase with being content. Then when you're on edge, chant your mantra and you'll immediately feel at ease.

Bake, Don't Burn

Grilling beef, poultry and fish until it's charred to a crisp can turn amino acids and other substances in the meat into heterocyclic amines (HCAs), compounds that have been linked to cancer. "HCAs are 10 times more potent than most other environmental carcinogens," says Kenneth Turteltaub, Ph.D., a toxicologist at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory in California. Try these ideas:

- Marinate meat before grilling. Soaking chicken breasts in a mixture of cider vinegar, olive oil, lemon juice and spices reduced HCA formation by 92 to 99 percent, notes a study published in Food and Chemical Toxicology. "Marinating creates a barrier between the hot surface and meat, enough to lower the temperature and prevent HCAs from forming," Turteltaub says.

- Keep the grill temp below 325 degrees, the point at which HCAs begin to form. Grill meat or fish in punctured aluminum foil to protect against flare-ups. When fat drips on the hot coals, it forms HCAs, plus other carcinogens called polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons that rise with the smoke.

- Microwave beef burgers for one to three minutes before browning; doing so reduces HCA production by 95 percent, according to a study in Food and Chemical Toxicology. Prior to grilling, discard the juices, which contain the building blocks of HCAs. Flip burgers often — about once a minute. This action keeps meat juices from getting too hot and activating HCA formation.

Avoid Needless Tests

Those full-body computed tomography scans you sometimes see at the mall are bad news: CT scans deliver a dose of radiation 50 to 200 times that of a conventional X-ray. A study from Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston found that for every 1,000 patients screened, an average of 908 would have at least one false-positive result, requiring further testing.

Stick to shopping when you're at the mall, and if your doc orders a non-emergency CT scan (say, to investigate headaches), ask if a radiation-free ultrasound or an MRI can be used instead, says Devra Davis, Ph.D., director of the Center for Environmental Oncology at the Uni versity of Pittsburgh Cancer Institute.

Breathe Easily

Radon is a leading cause of lung cancer among nonsmokers. The odorless radio-active gas is linked to up to 22,000 cancer deaths annually, according to the National Cancer Institute (NCI).

It is released during the decay of uranium, an element found in many soils, and can seep into your house. "When inhaled, radon can break down cell DNA and lead to cancer," Davis explains. To test your home, look for a do-it-yourself kit at a home-improvement store.

Steal These Secrets

Cancer rates in some countries are significantly lower than in the United States, and many experts attribute this to the lifestyles of people in these areas. Adopt these disease-fighting behaviors from afar:

- Spice things up. In India, where breast cancer rates are about five times lower than in the United States, people cook with an abundance of cancer-fighting spices such as cumin, ginger and turmeric. Go for whole grains. Finland natives are known for eating loads of dark rye and other whole-grain breads, which likely contributes to their low colorectal cancer rates. Kick butts. West Africans smoke much less than Americans, which may in part explain why their rates of esophageal cancer are about 60 times lower than ours.

- Cut back on coffee. The number of esophageal cancer cases has jumped 300 percent in the past 20 years, the U.S. Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality reports. A primary cause: chronic reflux, which bathes the throat in stomach acids that can erode tissue. To put out the flames, avoid top triggers like caffeine and alcohol. "They relax the sphincter muscle at the bottom of the esophagus, allowing stomach juices to splash up," says Yvonne Romero, M.D., assistant professor of medicine at the Mayo Clinic College of Medicine in Rochester, Minn.

Be Sunscreen-Savvy

Melanoma rates among young women jumped 50 percent between 1980 and 2004, the Journal of Investigative Dermatology reports.

Apply sunscreen properly: Put on the amount that would fill a shot glass 30 minutes before heading outdoors, then reapply every two hours or after swimming or major sweating. Also, look for broad-spectrum coverage and UVA-filtering ingredients such as Mexoryl, avobenzone and zinc oxide.

Ask About Daily Aspirin

It's not only for heart disease: One a day reduced estrogen-receptor-positive breast cancer risk by 16 percent, NCI research finds. "Aspirin may block cyclooxygenase, an enzyme that could disrupt cancer development, in part by reducing estrogen levels," says lead researcher Gretchen Gierach, Ph.D. More research is needed, though; long-term aspirin use can cause ulcers.

Beware of False Promises

At least 25 companies have misleadingly marketed products containing ingredients like shark cartilage, exotic mushrooms and wild yam as cancer treatments or preventives, prompting the FDA to issue a warning this summer. One supplement, CancerGene, claimed to "help switch on all three genes that inhibit cancer." "These products aren't proven safe or effective," says FDA spokeswoman Rita Chappelle in Rockville, Md.

[research by John Tesh]

Today's Quote

2009-11-22T12:08:00.001-06:00

"The greater the difficulty, the more glory in surmounting it. Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests." - Epictetus

Family Meal Time

2009-11-20T11:49:00.002-06:00

According to a new poll commissioned by The Associated Press, 60 percent of those who live with families said they sat down with family for dinner at least five nights in the past week. The research also revealed:

Twenty-five percent of families have the television turned on during dinner.
Fifty percent of families feel pestered by phone calls during this time together.
E-mailing or texting on a cell phone is constantly taking place during dinner for five percent of families.
Fifty-one percent of men said they cook dinner at least sometimes.
Sixty-four percent of people in rural areas said they eat dinner as a family at least five times a week compared to 56 percent of those living in cities.
Twenty percent of those polled said they ate dinner in a sit-down restaurant once in the past week.

The poll was conducted November 5-9 by GfK Roper Public Affairs and Media, and was based on phone interviews with 1,006 adults. [MercuryNews.com]

Marriage Counseling

2009-11-18T19:47:00.003-06:00

A woman seeking counsel from Dr. George W. Crane, the psychologist, confided that she hated her husband, and intended to divorce him.

"I want to hurt him all I can," she declared firmly.

"Well, in that case," said Dr. Crane, "I advise you to start showering him with compliments. When you have become indispensable to him, when he thinks you love him devotedly, then start the divorce action. That is the way to hurt him."

Some months later the wife returned to report that all was going well. She had followed the suggested course. "Good," said Dr. Crane. "Now’s the time to file for divorce."

"Divorce!" the woman said indignantly. "Never. I love my husband dearly!"

Why Many Marriages Fail

2009-11-06T22:57:00.003-06:00

One of the chief reasons so many marriages fail is that the functions of a date and mate differ radically: that of a date is to be charming; that of a mate is to be responsible; and, unfortunately, the most charming individuals are not necessarily the most responsible, while the most responsible are just as often deficient in charm.

[by Sydney Harris]

Today's Quote

2009-11-03T12:53:00.002-06:00

"When one is out of touch with oneself, one cannot touch others." - Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Marriage Under Attack

2009-11-02T22:16:00.004-06:00

In June, a U.S. senator and a governor both admitted to adulterous affairs, yet kept their jobs. The percentage of American marriages ending in divorce within five years is twice as high as in any other nation. The United States has 13.6 million unmarried heterosexual couples living together. In some quarters, activists are pushing for recognition of "polyamory," in which a person has more than one legal partner. Throughout American society, traditional marriage --God's design as outlined in Genesis 2:24 -- is under assault. How can we reverse a prevalent cultural pattern in which marriage no longer is a special relationship between a man and a woman? And how can we keep from falling prey to notions that the sacredness of marriage is an outdated concept?

God intended His relationship with His created human beings to be a loving, committed relationship, and marriage is modeled after that. When a man leaves his parents and cleaves to his wife, it connotes more than just a companion or partner. It's the infusion of two people into one relationship that God expects to stay together.

"Marriage is the very fabric of a society that's healthy," says Linda Mintle, a licensed marriage and family therapist. "It's a sacred institution of God."

MORE THAN HAPPINESS

Experts say the biblical model and societal expectations for marriage are vastly different. Scripture presents marriage as a covenant vow, not a social or business contract. Yet the standard thinking among many today is that a spouse is disposable if he or she no longer keeps the partner content. Marriage won't always be consistent in its level of fulfillment and personal happiness. Marriage should be a committed union with another person rather than something to make us happy. There will be conflict in marriage. But if the emotional bond between partners is strong and intimate, damage can be repaired quickly.

In July, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford attempted to justify an eight-year secret relationship he had with an Argentine woman. Frequently, politicians caught in adultery make a brief statement of contrition to the media with their wife stoically at their side. In contrast, Sanford stood alone and showed no remorse. He called his affair partner his "soul mate" and admitted that he no longer loved his wife of 20 years, with whom he has four sons. The ordeal may have been a watershed in terms of shifting attitudes. Josh Spurlock, a professional counselor with Tri-Lakes Relational Center in Springfield, Missouri, (http://getrelationshiphelp.com/) who has been married four years, agrees that the Sanford affair signaled a new boldness by public figures in displaying behavior long considered unacceptable.

Likewise, the sad demise of former NFL quarterback Steve McNair shows how infidelity can spin out of control. McNair, married and the father of four sons, had bought a luxury vehicle for and vacationed with a 20-year-old girlfriend. Police say the adulterous girlfriend murdered McNair because she suspected he was cheating on her in a second affair.

Another sign of growing tolerance of infidelity is the burgeoning number of Web sites facilitating extramarital affairs. One site, whose membership has doubled to 4 million in a year, recently added mobile iPhone and BlackBerry applications to keep suspecting spouses from discovering the adultery.

DISPOSABLE RELATIONSHIPS

A critical root of the problem is that it's all about what feels good at the moment. This new relativism of "whatever's right for me' pushes away absolute values." Such thinking is evident in the reality show "Jon & Kate Plus 8," which follows the Gosselin parents and their sextuplets and twins. Early episodes in 2007 talked about the faith of the mother, Kate. By June this year, Kate had filed for divorce after the series divulged Jon's dating of a 22-year-old woman. On air, Jon complained that he needed to flee the marriage because of his overbearing wife. "I was too passive. I let her rule the roost and went along with everything. And now I stood up on my own two feet and I'm proud of myself," Gosselin said. No spiritual solutions were offered. There was no talking to their pastor, no praying together, no push for an intimate walk with God. No other couples coming around to help them. It was strictly the secular answer: I'm not happy; I'm getting out. The Gosselins are symbolic of the American pattern of the highest divorce rate in the Western hemisphere.

Divorce and cohabitation -- which begins and ends quicker in the United States compared to other countries -- challenge the foundational premise of marriage. It's a false premise that a relationship is about my pleasure as long as it lasts with a certain other person, and then I can leave. It's antithetical to God's design of marriage, which is about commitment, growth, mutual sharing and benefit of the other person. When people don't have a commitment to the biblical model of marriage, they are vulnerable to other kinds of relationships.

Growing acceptance of adultery has been accompanied by astronomical cohabitation and the highest divorce rates. Many people see broken relationships as an expected part of life. Linda Mintle, whose books include Divorce-Proofing Your Marriage and I Married You, Not Your Family, says the divorce rate for Christians mirrors that of non-Christians because they have adapted to the mindset that marriage is about personal happiness, rather than honoring a covenant.

"Anything that breaks up the institution and marginalizes the important role of a man and a woman in creating a family is destructive," Mintle says.

FALLOUT FOR CHILDREN

Mintle says Satan has effectively assaulted marriage on a variety of fronts involving parenting, including: common portrayals of fathers on television as dolts; unmarried Hollywood couples having babies without moral qualms; and homosexual-rights groups trying to redefine the family to include two same-sex parents. "All of this at its root destroys what God developed: The best place for kids to be raised is within the institution of marriage," Mintle says. A generation ago, most viewed procreation as a vital reason to marry, but that's no longer the case.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that a record four out of 10 births are to unwed women. The widespread acceptance of divorce towers above other threats to marriage. The median age for a first divorce in this country is 30.5 for men and 29 for women. The devastation that happens with kids in the course of a divorce often seems to repeat itself in the next generation. Divorce wrecks the home life of kids. Emotionally, it leaves scars that are carried into other relationships. The wounds of infidelity or pornography are damaging, but they can be healed. Divorce is more like an amputation.

Andrew J. Cherlin, author of The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today, concurs that the carousel of relationships of parents is particularly damaging to children's emotional development and undermines a sense of security and trust. About 60 percent of children born to cohabitating parents see them split up by the time they reach 10 years old, he reports. "Some children seem to have difficulty adjusting to a series of parents and parents' partners moving in and out of their home," Cherlin writes.

Couples contemplating giving up on marriage need not be afraid to seek mentoring help from solid older couples in their church or professional counselors. Such guidance may help put the marriage in perspective. In marriage, sometimes the spotlight of the heart shifts onto what disappoints us about our spouse. As discontentment grows, attraction fades and eventually fades to coldness. The reality of what characteristics attract us to other people is that they are also the qualities that attracted us to our spouse. Thus, innocent attraction can grow improperly into affection that becomes obsession. Even through the bad times in a marriage, God is able to use difficulties to mold us in His image.

[by John W. Kennedy, Pentecostal Evangel]

Today's Quote

2009-11-01T12:08:00.000-06:00

"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case."

Does Divorce Matter?

2009-10-22T12:23:00.004-05:00

In 1997, a prominent psychologist wrote an article which appeared in an American psychological journal. The author reviewed several commonly held beliefs about psychology, and one of his claims was that the brain is quite resilient to the effects of trauma. He noted that rats which had been subjected to trauma as infants developed into apparently well-adjusted adults.

A response was written to his claim in which it was noted that, unlike animals, we humans have language — along with a memory system with which to process it — and that trauma has a unique linguistic way of lingering in our unconscious minds. Humans, just like rats, may give the appearance of being well-adjusted, but, as any experienced mental health clinician has seen over and over, many of the seemingly “well-adjusted” individuals walking around in our society are tormented by inner lives of emptiness and self-destructive despair. Professor, physician, lawyer — they all say the same thing to me: “I feel like mush inside.” And most of them, as children, saw their families shattered by divorce or adultery — often the “adultery” of child sexual abuse. We take divorce so much for granted today that it is hard not to find someone who has been divorced or who has married someone who has been divorced or who has parents or relatives who have divorced. And like that prominent psychologist, we brush it off and say, “It doesn’t matter.”

But it does matter. Children need to have both a mother and a father who will protect them, care for them, teach them, and guide their feet through darkness into the way of peace. Even the trauma of losing a parent to death is less a trauma than losing a parent to divorce, for in divorce a parent essentially says to a child — and to a spouse — “My personal desires are more important to me than is your welfare. This family is nothing to me, and you are just an object to be moved around like a pawn in my self-indulgent search for happiness.” Laboratory rats have only cheese and mazes. What can they say about trauma? Children, however, have phobias, eating disorders, alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, sex, unwanted pregnancies, sexual diseases, abortion—and suicide, and guns — to “speak” about their traumas. And yet we continue to look at divorce and say, “It doesn’t matter.”

It does matter and we often need help with divorce issues. Counseling is available. Call us.

About ADHD

2009-10-21T23:55:00.002-05:00

If you’re waiting for your child to outgrow ADHD … don’t. Approximately 60 percent of children with the condition will carry it into adulthood. Early evaluation and treatment, when appropriate, can pre-empt years of more serious problems. As the ADHD child gets older, his symptoms — and his means of coping with those symptoms — can intensify. A 10-year study currently under way has already found that young adults are at high risk for “markedly elevated rates of antisocial, addictive, mood and anxiety disorders.”

Over treatment and misdiagnosis are still problem areas. Some bioethicists believe that pharmaceutical companies are pushing their drugs, leading to medical treatment in patients who don’t need it. At the same time, a true case of ADHD is a neurobiological condition — a medical problem, not just a psychological one — and does warrant the use of prescribed medicine.

A major part of the problem is that most primary-care physicians are simply not trained yet in diagnosing ADHD. The disorder was not formally recognized as a disability until 1998, and doctors are still catching up to the ongoing research and the efficacy of treatments. Seek physicians with experience in ADHD diagnosis, and educate yourself.

ADHD is most effectively treated with a combination of medication and therapy. Prescribed medicines are effective for approximately 50 percent of the patients who need them. But even in the patients who do respond, only about half of their symptoms are relieved. The drugs won’t necessarily treat problems with organizational skills, coping socially and the overwhelming emotions associated with underachievement and failure. Cognitive psychotherapy can reach where medication does not.

It is still undetermined whether ADHD can be beat. We don’t know yet whether adult patients can be free of the condition after stopping medication and therapy. (Children may have not carried the condition into adulthood.) While on a treatment program, people do learn to relieve impairments and decrease distress. But it is unknown whether patients can maintain long-term control over symptoms on their own when the course of meds is ended.

Half of all people with ADHD have other disorders as well. Depression and anxiety are the most common conditions that “co-travel” with ADHD. These co-travelers present a major problem because they mask ADHD; physicians will often recognize and treat the mood disorder, which they’re familiar with, but miss the ADHD completely.

As in children, adults with ADHD are also more likely to have asthma. Other co-travelers, so to speak, include smoking, drug or alcohol abuse, and obesity — all of which signal ways in which people try to cope or self-medicate.

It's very real. Sure -- many people in our generation or older can remember a time back when behaviors that mirror ADHD/ADD were punished since they looked like plain, old disobedience or out of control impulsiveness. You, as parent, know your child best. But also recognize when it's not only okay, but in your child's best interest, to seek the advice of experts -- your son or daughter likely isn't intentionally trying to forget homework assignments night after night, and treatment of a perhaps previously overlooked medical condition could make a world of difference to you all.

(Research by John Tesh)

Repairing a Broken Relationship

2009-10-21T23:33:00.003-05:00

1. Assess what's going on between you - Try to think objectively and make sure that you really want to mend the friendship. Your latest tiff may just be a sign that the relationship has been doomed for a while. Have you simply outgrown each other? That's no one's fault. People change over time and not always in the same direction. Have the same problems recurred time after time? Maybe the bad chemistry or sense of imbalance between you has become so overwhelming that it is impossible to transcend. Or -- is it something that you think you might really be able to fix? If so, proceed to Tip 2.

2. Pinpoint what happened - If it is something you said or did, or something you didn't say or do -- or if the problem was with her, talk about it. No friendship is perfect and each one has tiny kinks that need to be worked out. Communicating avoids little problems from escalating into big ones that can undermine a relationship.

3. Be the first to offer the olive branch - If you know you were in the wrong, take responsibility for your mistake. Tell your friend how important the relationship is to you and show her in some small but concrete way. Invite her to dinner or send her a card that says, "I'm sorry." If she was in the wrong, practice forgiveness. Harboring resentment towards someone has a way of bouncing back like a boomerang to hurt you (including raising your blood pressure). Let go of the disappointment. Having a shared history should provide a strong foundation that allows a friendship to weather small hurts.

4. Step back after you've tried - Be sensitive to her response. Okay, you've been thinking about how you were going to handle this fiasco, for hours or maybe even weeks and months. But you just sprung your thinking on her and she may need time to mull it over. If her answer is "No way," accept it for the moment, give it some time, and try again. If she repeatedly blows you off, you may have to accept her decision and move on.

5. Don't necessarily view endings as a failure - Friendships have beginning and endings. Ones that last forever are more likely to be the topic of novels and television scripts. Sometimes, people breathe a sigh of relief after an ambivalent or toxic friendship is over.

Friendships are wonderful and life affirming. But keep in mind that just as is the case in most relationships that really mean something to us, the ones that have a chance at surviving the test of time (as well as stresses and arguments!), our friendships will not flourish being left on a shelf with no care coming from us. They require effort. And if we're lucky, each one provides us with new wisdom so they get better and better!

(by John Tesh)

Counseling Women

2009-10-17T16:16:00.002-05:00

Women today face the challenge of trying to meet everybody else’s needs, often ignoring their own needs. They may find that they try to be the perfect wife, mother, employee, etc., and still ...

Read More...

Does God Expect Me to Stay Married to a Jerk?

2009-09-25T01:15:00.003-05:00

Years ago, a family therapist was asked, “What are the top three causes of divorce?” to which he replied, “Selfishness, selfishness, selfishness!” Of course this is an oversimplification of the varied and many contributing factors to divorce but there is an element of truth in this statement that permeates each.

At the core of all that ails the human race is selfishness: this innate love of self-self-worship-or pride. We alienate ourselves from one another when we elevate our desires, our opinions, and our feelings above others. We cheat and steal because we want, we lie and deceive because we give priority to our self-interests, we murder-in actuality or with words-because our puny sense of supremacy is threatened. This is the very sin that separates us from God: our love of self over and against the Father. In short, we are deplorably selfish beings consumed with satisfying our own appetites and desires, often without regard for anyone else.

This is the dreadful state in which the Lord finds us-and despite our active resistance to his rightful rule in our hearts, our thoughts, and actions, he lovingly subdues our rebellious pride with his grace and mercy. He saves us from eternal alienation that our stubborn resistance brings! The old man, so infatuated with himself, is crucified and buried with Christ; we are raised to a new life in Christ (see Romans 6:4). However, this new life doesn’t just happen. Our will, which was once in bondage to sin, has been freed to pursue godliness in obedience to Christ through faith. Paul, writing to the church at Ephesus, tells us that we are to be taught to cast away our “old self” and “to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness” (Ephesians 4:22–24, NIV). C. S. Lewis summed it up in saying, “To become new men means losing what we now call ourselves” (Mere Christianity).

The clearest clue to what this new self looks like is given in Paul’s letter to the Philippians when he writes, “Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness” (Philippians 2:5–7, NIV). This is a radical departure from our selfish nature into one that denies self even in the face of offense. This same nature is, of course, the foundation for marriage-but also all relationships.

In Ephesians, Paul lays out the foundation of marriage as being rooted in a mutual love and submission, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord” and “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:22, 25, NIV). Notice also that Paul begins this chapter with the charge to “Be imitators of God,” another reference to the disposition described in Philippians chapter two. Later in his letter to the Ephesians, Paul compares this joining of two people into “one flesh” to that of Christ and his bride, the church (see Ephesians 5:32). Thus marriage-this “profound mystery,” according to Paul-transcends anything resembling a mere contractual obligation. Nor is marriage simply a self-serving means to personal happiness; Christian couples should strive for and display this self-denying disposition.

Another aspect that should govern Christian marriage is the doctrine of God’s sovereignty.

Do we believe that when we suffer, we suffer outside the will of God, or do we believe that God allows suffering to enter our lives for his good purpose? Isn’t there the expectation that we, too, will share in the sufferings of Christ, that “we must through many tribulations enter the kingdom of God” (Acts 14:22, NKJV)? While we do not eagerly seek to suffer, don’t we believe that suffering bears sweet fruit nourished by bitter tears and that such fruit is nothing less than holy character (see Romans 5:2–4)? If we believe that God in his providence causes everything to “work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28, NLT), then wouldn’t it be reasonable to conclude that such suffering may also come in the form of a troubled marriage?

That being the case, wouldn’t we be expected to persevere rather than seek escape, trusting God for both endurance and the outcome? It is here-in the domain of our so-called domestic happiness-that we may be tempted to draw a boundary, saying, in essence, “Lord, you may come this far but no farther.” It is often in this context that the old self returns in an effort to assert his rights: “I need, I want, I deserve!” However, the Christian is compelled to lay down these rights and instead trust in God, believing that his grace is indeed sufficient in all things including an oppressive and loveless marriage. It is here that the Christian patiently endures, trusting the Lord for the grace to do so, and hopes for a future where God may be pleased to set things right.

Please do not think I am suggesting that the person suffering physical abuse remain in a situation whereby he or she is subjected to physical harm. I am not! However, that is a topic for another time, as I am presently addressing divorce for no other reason than the failure to achieve personal “happiness.” This is where we Christians either begin to differ from the world or remain worldly. The Christian life does not culminate in a quest to be happy but to be holy!

If our attitude is to be the same as that of Christ Jesus, then consider how Jesus responds to his frequently unfaithful bride, the church. Every one of us has, at some point, been unfaithful to Christ; we have wantonly rebelled against him, we have been indifferent, even abusive in our disregard toward him. We have all failed to love him at times and we constantly put our needs ahead of his. And yet Jesus never says to us, “That’s it, I’ve had it! I will not take this abuse anymore; you are selfish and uncaring; you don’t love me or make me feel special, so I am out of here!” Can you imagine these words coming out of the Savior’s mouth? Never!

So it is to be with us. For those poor souls who walk in darkness, there is no chance of assuming the self-denying character of Christ; but for those whom Christ has made alive, there is the all-sufficient well of grace. It is to Christ that the Christ-follower must go with his “irreconcilable differences,” not to the courts. It is only Christ who reconciles the unrighteous with the righteous and it is Christ that can reconcile husband and wife.

The question for the church is this: Will we truly trust him in all things, including while we suffer marital maelstroms? Will we follow Christ when it is most difficult? If we won’t, then not only will we fail in our witness, we will never know the freedom of living by faith.

[By S. Michael Craven, Christian Post Guest Columnist]

Today's Quote

2009-09-17T23:16:00.002-05:00

"The conflict and indifference between religion and psychology is a curious state of affairs. Although both clergy and practicing psychologists are involved in counseling relationships and interested in emotional and behavioral outcomes among those with whom they work, they generally appear to do so in isolation without much guidance from each other."- Thomas Plante

Today's Quote

2009-09-12T18:06:00.002-05:00

"Do you realize that the common denominator in all your bad relationships is you?"

10 Stress Busters

2009-09-09T10:56:00.005-05:00

1. Simplify - Cut your to-do list in half. How? Ask yourself this question after every item: Will I die tomorrow if this doesn't get accomplished? I'm guessing you'll get a lot of no's. I'm sure Franklin Covey has a more efficient and elaborate system. But here's mine: Every morning I immediately jot down my to-do list. Once I experience the first heart palpitation, the list gets cut in half.

2. Prioritize - Let's say you've got five huge work projects due next week, two Cub Scout commitments you promised your son, your mom's overdue taxes on your desk, your wife's 40th birthday celebration to plan, and your sister's computer to fix. What do you do? You record all the tasks on a sheet of paper or on your computer and you give each one a number between 1 and 10: 10 being the most important (life threatening) to one (stupid bloody thing I signed up for). Start with the 10s. If you never get beyond the 8s, that's okay!

3. Use Pencil, Not Pen - If you rely on your to-do list as much as I do, then you'll want to start using pencil instead of pen. Because one important stress buster is to try to stay as flexible as you can. Things change! And change is not our enemy, even though our brain categorizes it as such. You want to be able to erase a task or reminder at any time, because who the heck knows what your day will be like.

4. Give Away Your Cape - If you haven't already guessed by now, you are not a superpower and don't possess supernatural qualities and capabilities. I'm sorry, but you're going to have to join the race ... the human race. Which means surrendering to limitations and conditions--like the number of hours in a day (24) and the amount of time it takes to get from point A to point B. In your car. Not in your bat mobile.

5. Collaborate and Cooperate - There are lots of people out there with to-do lists that look very similar to yours. Why not let them do some of your tasks so that you all don't have to do them? The moms around me have mastered this concept, as they have set up a babysitting co-op: one mom volunteers to watches a neighbor's kid and by doing so earns babysitting points that she can redeem when a neighbor watches her kids. In the blogging world, I have begun to collaborate with some other mental-health writers so that we all don't have to scan the same media outlets for depression-related stories. If I catch something I send it to them, and vice versa. It's an effective system.

6. Laugh - Just as chronic and severe stress can damage organic systems in our body, humor can heal. When people laugh, the autonomic nervous system mellows out and the heart is allowed to relax. Laughter can also boost the immune system, as it has been found to increase a person's ability to fight viruses and foreign cells, and reduce the levels of three stress hormones: cortisol, epinephrine, and dopac. Plus it's just fun to laugh. And having fun is it's own stress buster.

7. Exercise - Exercise relieves stress in several ways. First, cardiovascular workouts stimulate brain chemicals that foster growth of nerve cells. Second, exercise increases the activity of serotonin and/or norepinephrine. Third, a raised heart rate releases endorphins and a hormone known as ANP, which reduces pain, induces euphoria, and helps control the brain's response to stress and anxiety. You need not to run a marathon or complete an ironman. A quick stroll in the morning or in the evening might be just enough to tell the stress hormones in your blood to scatter.

8. Stop Juggling - I realize some multi-tasking is inevitable in our rushed culture. But do we really have to simultaneously cook dinner, talk to Mom, help with homework, and check e-mail? If you were an excellent waiter or waitress in your past or present, then skip this one. However, if you have trouble chewing gum and walking at the same time like I do, you might try your best to concentrate on one activity at a time.

9. Build Boundaries - Speaking of activities, get some boundaries, ASAP -- meaning designate a place and time for certain things so that your brain doesn't have to wear so many hats at the same time. I thought this was impossible as a mom who works from home until I made myself abide by some rules: computer is off when I'm not working, and computer stays off in the evening and on weekends. My brain adjusted nicely and appreciated the notice of when and where each hat was required, and it actually started to relax a tad.

10. Think Globally - I don't say this to induce a guilt trip. No, no, no. Because guilt trips compound stress. What I mean here is a simple reminder that compared to other problems in our world today -- abject poverty in Somalia or Cambodia -- the things that we stress about are pretty minor. In other words, if I shift my perspective a little, I can see that there are far worse dilemmas than my poor royalty figures on a few books. Put another way: Don't sweat the small stuff, and most of it is small stuff.

[By Therese J. Borchard]

Contact Information

2009-09-07T21:33:00.008-05:00

Relationship Clinic
216 Gault Avenue North
Fort Payne, Alabama 35967
888-605-0215 (Toll Free)
256-845-7920 (Voice)
256-845-7820 (Fax)

256-418-0620 (Dr. Brock)

DGBrock@aol.com

arlene@arlenemcfarland.com

Dr. Arlene McFarland

http://www.relationshipclinic.blogspot.com/

http://sites.google.com/site/relationshipclinic/